Why do i have to endure and SUFFER daily with depression and mental illness so that people around me dont have to mourn me in the event of my death?

I went to war twice and survived....it must have been to have and raise my son. I cannot think of anyhting else in life that i have contributed or that my life contributes on a daily basis. I feel like a beast of burden , living only to work, put up at nigt and forgotten about when i do well and whipped when i stumble or struggle.

I am scared of death but life, life is harder than i ever imagined it to be....

everyone is gonna die someday so might as well carry on

🤷