@Collegegirl23 I have struggled with suicidality for most of my life. It doesn't take much to make me suicidal unfortunately. The medications that I am on work pretty well but I don't lead a happy life. I am unhappy most of the time and struggle with the desire to go on. I lack fulfillment. My life just turned out less than I wanted It to - I know why. Sometime along the way I started accepting mediocre as good enough. It became habit and not I am mediocre man. I am mediocre as a husband and a father and doctor. I watch the clock until I can leave work, then I go home and watch the clock until I can stop looking at my wife and go to bed. I stay in bed on my days off. My wife bitches at me for it but I don't have anything I want to do or be anymore to bother getting out of bed. I have come very close to ending it only once - I have been moderately close for long periods of time. I used to carry a 44 magnum in my briefcase so h@t if I decided to do it I could pull over and end it right there. I am more functional than that now.
@Genieinabottle but what is the problem exactly is it your wife your job or your kids? What do you have or not have that makes you wAnna die ? Do you not beliveve in God or heaven? Make me understand I once tried to sucide but I had abuseive parents and didn't know God
I can't. I had an abusive stepfather. I grew up poor. I went to war as a young man and as long as I can remember I have had this pervasive desire to be dead. I am going to have to think about it - I have never tried to specify why I want to be dead. I can specify why I am NOT dead - my son. It would be terrible for him. My father's death and funeral almost literally killed me - or I almost killed myself then. That was the closest I have ever come. I wanted to be dead then so the pain would stop. I am consistently unhappy. I have a shitty marriage. Hold on be right back....ok. I just texted my wife with a similar question (what makes our marriage bad - what makes you want to end it?) I am thinking th e specificity of the question might be helpful like it is here. I know God. I do not believe (necessarily) that suicide means Hell either. That is a relatively new way to think scripturally - only back to St Augustine. Before that suicides were still martyred in applicable cases. I can tell you a lame reason I want to die. I am lazy. I find life very very hard - interactions with people are a challenge for me, my job sucks, my job is definitely on the list of things I hate. Medicine has become the fast food industry and they squeeze every drop they can out of you in the practice of medicine now. Hours are longer, respect is less, pay is less, I am fucking broke all the time no matter how much money I make. I hate being buried in debt (student loans). It is like a W weight sitting on top of me. I mean I have been in medicine for 10 years. I make less now than ever. I have made less every year since 2011. I have student loans that grow while I pay them - paid for 8 years and loans went up not down due to interest. I drive a piece of shit car, I wear shitty clothes, I have a dump of a house. My life sucks. My wife (and I) got fat and old before our time. It's everything. I guess a better question is what reasons do I have to want to go on? I don't have any aside from my son.
@Genieinabottle in my opinion you don't have real reasons to die except being poor and in a bad marriage I will not mention your abused past cause that ended you think of the present and future you have a great job despite the pay you are a doctor many die for the name you have a son many die to conceive you are married where I come from men die single and virgin cause they can't afford to get married you had someone love you and want you enough to share there entire life with you that's something in my opinion as a single attractive educated girl who was never in a relationship also you have a car and I have to take expensive taxies and beg for ride everyday and you have your own house despite the debt you are very lucky you just lack God and purpose in your life if I haven't known sucide leads to hell I would be dead by now but thank God for showing me the way and blessing me with good friends that compensated me for the other things I didn't have and thank God for the life we had that many wish they had and God says if you thanked I give u more
@Collegegirl23 you have a great way of looking at things College'. I like it. I find it so hard to focus on what I have instead of what I lack. I am foolish like that. My mind works all wrong. It holds on desperately to bad things, insults, slights, arguments, loss, pain and I cannot remember for my life the good things like the birth of my child or my wedding day. I can remember pain clearly but happiness and love is so hard to recall.
@Genieinabottle it's sad how the human mine thinks about what it doesn't have than what it have if you have everything you woup still be unhappy a human can never be full
