(i think im lesbian but im not sure.please read my experience and give me your opinion.thanks)

i live in very close minded environment ,being gay in my country is illegal and they kill you if they find out,we don't have sex ed class,in age of 17 i learn about sex and lgbt community.i never seen a person from lgbtq community in real life, but i have some signs that make me think that im gay: in 6th great i started searing pics boob, ass of women on computer.or one day in tv was a women figure skating competition and i secretly watched their bodies. i know it wasn't bec i was curious about my own body when i watched those women or neither i saw myself in them,i was attracted to those women bodies, i didn't want to have their body or be like them ,it was something that i hide,i didn't know any thing about gay people or anything about lesbianism but i now i think about it i feel i was homophobic back then.and at the same time i was scared to say a woman was beautiful out loud to my friends or when we saw a girl on social media that were showing more skin and i couldn't watch her with them and give her compliment. bec my friends liked to dress like her but i never want to be a feminine woman or wear make up , than i became older and i started watching just lesbian porn,only girls.and masturbating. i never seen a full pic of pines,or even men in porn,im disgusted by them, i didn't even been curious to see them. but i love gay men and i watch their movies,but i hate straight men. im a masculine woman, i don't wear make up, i have short hair, im aggressive, im not the norm girl.i dont like anything that a girly girl likes,i don't like to be feminine.my sisters tell me to act like a lady and wear make up, make yourself pretty but i dont like that at all i don't want any attention by doing these things,and scold me bec of it,and i like masculine people.im attracted to men appearances but i don't want to be with them or have sex with them,and i have this question do i want be that man or i want be with that man, im a top, i don't like a man be in control and be "man of relationship" and be the boss. im not submissive, im very dominant.and i am attracted masculine women .and i have many crushes on my female friends and some of them no even masculine,im sometimes obsessed with them i watched them from far.i be nervous to talk them. my community is limited and small minded that i cant have any sexual experience with anybody and if i be honest im scared bec being gay is illegal in here , till i go to college in another city. but one closest thing i ever came to a touch of a woman was when i gone out with my high school friends and when we wanted cross the road my friend that i have a crush on grabbed my arm to cross the street ,bec she knew it was safe if she walked with me and i was protective of her.i felt something that i never felt.i felt like we were a couple for a moment.i had dreams of being with women. i never liked men as a partner or having straight sex even imagining a dick in me make me throw up. even when they're trying defend me or help or carry heavy shit for me i do not like it,i carry my shit myself.i hate when they try act like heroes.or think we are weaker than them. i don't want to do anything with men.