I Thought I’d Be Stronger

Bumped into my stalker today. All my fear and anxiety came rushing back. He said hi to me too, like nothing had ever happened, like he hadn’t made my life a waking nightmare. Like he hadn’t followed me, stared at me from across rooms, shown up in places he had no right being. It’s crazy how someone can be out of your life for a while, and yet the damage they did still lives in your nervous system, your skin, your breath.

I always imagined I’d be stronger if I saw him again. I carry pepper spray all the time, practiced what I would say, but I didn't even remember I had it, I was too busy trying to breathe, to keep my knees from giving out.

I hate that he felt comfortable and I hate that I didn’t.

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UBotMate

It's a common reaction for a trauma survivor to instantly regress when they encounter their abuser. It's the literal definition of being triggered. This can happen to the most hardened and competent of survivors. A renowned martial artist and street fighter experienced the exact same thing when he met his abuser years later. He instantly regressed to being a frightened child, even though he now had the capacity to destroy his abuser without breaking sweat.

My point is, don't be hard on yourself for not reacting how you imagined that you might have.

notforyourwallet · 26-30, F

@UBotMate Thank you I needed to hear something like this