I Thought I’d Be Stronger

Bumped into my stalker today. All my fear and anxiety came rushing back. He said hi to me too, like nothing had ever happened, like he hadn’t made my life a waking nightmare. Like he hadn’t followed me, stared at me from across rooms, shown up in places he had no right being. It’s crazy how someone can be out of your life for a while, and yet the damage they did still lives in your nervous system, your skin, your breath.

I always imagined I’d be stronger if I saw him again. I carry pepper spray all the time, practiced what I would say, but I didn't even remember I had it, I was too busy trying to breathe, to keep my knees from giving out.

I hate that he felt comfortable and I hate that I didn’t.

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Pretzel · 70-79, M

can you legally carry a taser where you live?

notforyourwallet · 26-30, F

@Pretzel Yeah actually I was thinking of getting one

Pretzel · 70-79, M

@notforyourwallet you could get that or pepper spray - if that's legal

the problem with the spray is sometimes people turn it the wrong way - or the wind blows it in their face

can you get a restraining over to prevent him from coming close or talking to you?

notforyourwallet · 26-30, F

@Pretzel I have pepper spray, I carried it for years at this point but never had to use it. I practice though often. And yeah, I can file something called a civil harassment restraining order, but you have to fill out all these forms and describe everything, every incident, every time he showed up outside my building, every message, every time he "coincidentally" ended up near me at work or on the train or outside the gym. You have to serve him the papers. You have to stand in front of a judge and explain it out loud.

Pretzel · 70-79, M

@notforyourwallet sounds like a real problem - but if you go through all that - and he shows up you can probably let him spend time in jail

the other option: do you have a family member with anger control issues?

notforyourwallet · 26-30, F

@Pretzel My entire family has anger control issues honestly, my brother especially. But I know what you're getting at and I don't want to escalate things!

Maybe I SHOULD just go through the process...

Pretzel · 70-79, M

@notforyourwallet don't expect it to do miracles
they often ignore them or try to go through a third part (also illegal)
but be pesistant and he'll end up in jail every time he violates it

notforyourwallet · 26-30, F

@Pretzel I've heard that and I'm afraid of that!

Pretzel · 70-79, M

@notforyourwallet well you know your circumstances - if it'll escalates it and triggers him it might be even worse than just having to deal with it

notforyourwallet · 26-30, F

@Pretzel Yeah. The thing about most stalkers is that they generally have no self-preservation instinct, and when they get violent, they get really violent.

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notforyourwallet · 26-30, F

@Pretzel If I don't freeze! I would definitely need some practice.

Pretzel · 70-79, M

@notforyourwallet self-defense classes might give you more confidence too

notforyourwallet · 26-30, F

@Pretzel I might add them alongside my ballet classes

Pretzel · 70-79, M

@notforyourwallet sounds good

I just got this fun mental image of you doing some self defense moves that were ballet influenced

he went down hard

and you looked marvelous!

notforyourwallet · 26-30, F

@Pretzel lol that would be both beautiful and badass! I'm quite light and don't have a lot of upper body strength but I'm going to give it my all!

Pretzel · 70-79, M

@notforyourwallet it's all speed and the legs

notforyourwallet · 26-30, F

@Pretzel Well that sounds perfect for me then!

Pretzel · 70-79, M

@notforyourwallet [media=https://youtu.be/pG0yq2ATWbc]