Please tell me I am not the only one...

Please tell me that I am not the only one who struggles during the holidays—growing up in a home where the holidays were the worst time of the year. The beatings were worse, the words were hateful, and the punishments were horrible. I never got to experience that "Christmas Joy" but I watched my brother experience it, and my cousins, and I couldn't understand why I couldn't.

I have always struggled badly with depression & anxiety during these months. It got better when I became a mom because I would go all out to make sure they did experience that Christmas Joy. However, we can't do that this year and I will be alone pretty much throughout the holiday season as I'm still recovering.

I am in a bad depressive episode. I am struggling really bad these past few days and I keep remembering Christmas growing up. I am flashing back to those times, and in the back of my mind, I know that I am safe and not there, but at the same time, I can't get out of that headspace.

I feel so alone right now. I can barley get off the couch to do basic shit. Recovery from surgery is going extremely slow and I'm fighting off a bad infection on top of everything else.

I can't wait for the holidays to be over...