THE LEGENDARY MR MIHAGI Protector of the Haggis. Master of Dram Fu.
As January approaches and the annual Haggis Hunt looms in the run up to Burns Night, whispers from the glens tell of an unusual figure preparing the haggis population for what lies ahead.
Known as Mr Mihagi, this elderly but formidable haggis is widely believed by locals to be the greatest martial artist the Highlands has ever produced.
Short, stout, and shaped by a lifetime of survival in the glens, Mr Mihagi has spent decades perfecting an ancient defensive discipline passed down through generations of elusive Highland haggis. A discipline rooted not in aggression, but in balance, patience, and ancient Highland sense.
This January, he has taken on his greatest challenge yet, convincing an entire generation of haggis to take training seriously.
Deep within a secluded glen, hundreds of young haggis are reported to be undergoing intense daily exercises. To the untrained observer, it appears entirely nonsensical.
One group is instructed in a repetitive polishing routine “wax on, wax aff,” as Mr Mihagi calmly puts it, applied to rows of whisky bottles until the motion becomes instinctive.
Another group is assigned to sand the wooden floor of the shelter again and again “sand the flare,” as Mr Mihagi insists, until the motions and patience are learned the hard way.
A third is tasked with repainting a fence that runs along the glen path “paint the fence,” they are told, only to be made to start over when it is judged to be “still no right, haggi san.”
Others are sent out onto a small wooden boat on the loch, where they must maintain their footing as it rocks beneath them while practising slow, deliberate blocking techniques, learning to stay upright even when the ground itself refuses to cooperate.
The final group is made to balance on top of a fencepost on their short leg, then leap into a sudden jump kick before landing back on their longer leg and holding steady, a test that leaves most of them toppled into the grass while Mr Mihagi calmly notes that balance only matters if ye can keep it.
Confused recruits have been heard questioning the point of these tasks, only for Mr Mihagi to reply calmly, “Ye might not see the point at first, but every daft task teaches yer body the moves ye’ll need when it matters.”
Only later do the trainees realise the truth, the movements were never chores at all, but the foundations of blocking, deflection, and sudden counter headbutts delivered at knee height.
Advanced lessons include enduring the bite of midges without flinching. Running uphill into a headwind to strengthen the short leg. And resisting the powerful pull of gravity when startled.
As Burns Night nears, hunters may believe they are heading into what they assume will be a straightforward seasonal hunting tradition. What they don’t realise is that the glens are now home to disciplined haggis, calm, balanced, and prepared to defend themselves using timing, gravity, and the hunter’s own mistakes against them.
Mr Mihagi offers only one final thought ahead of Burns Night “If ye keep yer balance, ye’ll keep yer hide
