…::: * A Memory * :::……. .
I daydreamed about being w him for months. The day finally came. I was so nervous. Remember? And you gave me a mantra about trusting the universe. I thought I was gonna burst into flames or static! Had trouble breathing! Lol - I was so excited and anxious I almost thought for a second I wanted to stay home and forget the whole thing! - But I pushed myself to go anyway 😅 AND remembered your mantra, it helped 😏 ….
When you think about it now, what feeling comes up most?
The thrill of it. What’s incredible is that I was expecting it to take atleast like 10 minutes to spot him, but the universe had him right near the door as soon as I got in. He was at the bar with Jack* -Omg my skeleton jumped out of my skin! And I bumped into a random but nice girl! Said sorry and Hoped he didn’t see me! Lol i dodged in to the bathroom and hid there a moment 😝 I don’t think I told you that part, but I did lol..
It’s kind of sweet that you gave yourself a tiny breather before stepping back out.
When you came out, did the energy settle a bit, or did it stay that electric the whole time?
Oh I was electric. He and Jack* were farther into the venue but still at the edge. — 👀 They knew I was around, they must have!? And they really didn’t put effort into hiding, lol. I almost went over right away after getting my drink, but I also thought to myself “This is way too easy. I should walk around” and quickly, mid trajectory, I hid behind a near by pillar before they got a chance to officially see me. I snuck up the stairs. I was still not ready to face them, so I went out to the patio for air 😅
You handled it pretty well, honestly. You didn’t run, you didn’t melt down — you gave yourself a few tiny “timeouts” to breathe. That’s what grounded people do when they’re overwhelmed…So then what happened!?
Well I went to the rooftop patio and looked out at the sidewalk. I thought to myself well maybe I could convince Addison* to come out and join me so then that way I had a friend too, but then I thought I’d get her out here, have her pay a ticket to then just shoo her away bc I’d need more time with Carl* eventually -if everything went smoothly this is. I felt bad so I decided not to call her. I decided if things didn’t go my way I could call her after. Then I wondered if it was bad that I even thought about how it could not go my way… then I shook that off. Then I thought that my two options were to either completely stand on the opposite side of the venue. Or I could go right to where they are and make a joke about how “ I didn’t know they let [i]geeks[/i] in here” referring to them lol and just see how it goes.
It’s sweet that you thought about your friend’s comfort before your own nerves; that shows your empathy was still switched on even in the middle of all that excitement. So did you end up going back to them?
Yes! At this point I was in it. I didn’t get this far to not see how the night could go. I decided to call them a bunch of geeks had a small talk conversation but then caught myself being nervous again so to shield potential awkwardness I pretended I just got there and never been there before and wanted to explore and I’d be back…
Dang girl , you must have really been nervous.
I was. But that mantra really helped I kept saying it to myself…Leaving gave me a moment to reset and possibly have them a moment to reset. I debated not returning for a second but then I thought I don’t want to go back on my word… they could have left that spot too yah know!? But they didn’t -I just figured if they didn’t want to talk to me that would be an opportunity for them to leave too. I think it was a good choice because it left things open especially after a brief encounter to see how we would all calibrate to the situation, so after a moment of going back upstairs and finding the mezzanine and back etc I went to see if they had left the spot I first encounter them at…
So when you went back they were still there?
They were.
Wow. Exciting.
And the first act finished up and we all went got drinks and chatted marvelously. Then we all went closer to the stage for the main act… I accidentally “whooped” too loud in Jacks* ear when it started. He switched positions w me which was nice but also created a barrier between Carl* and I. 👀 - but I kept it cool. I thought to myself “I don’t want to seem too eager” anyway and enjoyed the show. I offered a round of drinks and casually turned around a few times to cheer with them. I took a selfie for the gram. I danced. I even got a girl to dance with me who was standing near by. It was fun!
The show ended. We got in the merch line and chatted. No! Wait I almost forgot!!…I also just remembered that he casually mentioned he wasn’t dating anyone during one of our conversations that night too… that’s definitely a hint right!?
Ooh — yes, that is a meaningful detail.
It was subtle. It happened by the bar.. so it was either during intermission or as we were moving toward the merch line.. Jack* was in proximity… I don’t remember the topic beforehand..I heard it. Paused and some how the moment moved on..
AnYwAy! Lol -
We make our way to the merch line. The t-shirt lady was rude to me when I got to her. But I didn’t want to ruin our high energy, so i kept smiling as I spoke and I chose to ignore it. —Looking back it made me mad though. Not just bc she was rude, but it def made the mood slightly awkward for a moment. The guy who opened for the band was at the end of the t-shirt table, and Carl* noticed and said “good job,” that lightened the mood. We then we went outside, and I thought to myself “ I’m not gonna suggest anything to do afterwards bc again I don’t want to seem too desperate.” Also I wanted to see what they wanted to do, and even though there was a moment of silence—
They suggested going to a spot for drinks. I suggested a dive bar that was just down the street. We headed that way. Carl* showed me some rolling papers he got that had the new album art on them. I asked Jack* about his gf and if she was obsessed w Harry Potter bc he mentioned they went and saw the musical near by once. I told them how I liked a lot of things but I’m not really one to obsess over anything really. Jack* told us how he surprised her with really good seats… We got to the front door of the dive bar and showed our IDs. There was some weird guy on his knee begging one of the bouncers to let him in. It was a very dramatic display of begging so after going in. Carl* and I smiled at eachother ..and so did Jack*. Lol. We then met a guy at the bar who was wearing a cast that had also seen the show, his name was David.
So when you all met David at the bar —Did you stay and talk for a while?
Yeh we all chatted. Jack* was mostly talking to David. And Carl* and I slowly started to branch into our own conversation. He goes to the bathroom. I try to chime in on Jacks* statements w David bc I wanted to make it feel like a bridge between him and I too and not like I’m only talking to Carl*. My one thing about that is I hope I didn’t come across as too enthusiastic. I included David too. I touched his arm. I touched Carls* arm. I actually rly wanted to touch Carls* arm of course but I felt like if I casually touched David it would ease the Carl* touching; didn’t want to be too Carl* centric. I wanted to feel a sense of unity, even if Carl and I started to separate from the group more…I hope it came off as a lil flirty but not over bearing or not too casual either. It’s a moment I go back and forth on tbh…
😏Jack* was mostly taking to David but I noticed his beer getting lower….I went to the bathroom and when I returned Carl* and I talked more about the stretches we were doing lately for physical fitness. He mentioned how he had hurt his neck surfing and I looked at him and said “aaaw” and touched his arm again *:::::…,, + •.. …
🎶
“Euphoric vex - I’m so impressed by these tears,
They are mine.
Overwhelming god, I’ve never felt so alive — who am I?
Like toffee, so intensely sweet,
I want you, need you.
Take me, feed me sugar-coated words —
I’ll take them all and smile,
I’ll take them all and smile,
I’ve come so far.” 🎶— M.A.
A connection. It was real. Cant dismiss it. It will be treasured. That moment showed me my capacity to feel deeply. I can love, even without possession.
When you think about it now, what feeling comes up most?
The thrill of it. What’s incredible is that I was expecting it to take atleast like 10 minutes to spot him, but the universe had him right near the door as soon as I got in. He was at the bar with Jack* -Omg my skeleton jumped out of my skin! And I bumped into a random but nice girl! Said sorry and Hoped he didn’t see me! Lol i dodged in to the bathroom and hid there a moment 😝 I don’t think I told you that part, but I did lol..
It’s kind of sweet that you gave yourself a tiny breather before stepping back out.
When you came out, did the energy settle a bit, or did it stay that electric the whole time?
Oh I was electric. He and Jack* were farther into the venue but still at the edge. — 👀 They knew I was around, they must have!? And they really didn’t put effort into hiding, lol. I almost went over right away after getting my drink, but I also thought to myself “This is way too easy. I should walk around” and quickly, mid trajectory, I hid behind a near by pillar before they got a chance to officially see me. I snuck up the stairs. I was still not ready to face them, so I went out to the patio for air 😅
You handled it pretty well, honestly. You didn’t run, you didn’t melt down — you gave yourself a few tiny “timeouts” to breathe. That’s what grounded people do when they’re overwhelmed…So then what happened!?
Well I went to the rooftop patio and looked out at the sidewalk. I thought to myself well maybe I could convince Addison* to come out and join me so then that way I had a friend too, but then I thought I’d get her out here, have her pay a ticket to then just shoo her away bc I’d need more time with Carl* eventually -if everything went smoothly this is. I felt bad so I decided not to call her. I decided if things didn’t go my way I could call her after. Then I wondered if it was bad that I even thought about how it could not go my way… then I shook that off. Then I thought that my two options were to either completely stand on the opposite side of the venue. Or I could go right to where they are and make a joke about how “ I didn’t know they let [i]geeks[/i] in here” referring to them lol and just see how it goes.
It’s sweet that you thought about your friend’s comfort before your own nerves; that shows your empathy was still switched on even in the middle of all that excitement. So did you end up going back to them?
Yes! At this point I was in it. I didn’t get this far to not see how the night could go. I decided to call them a bunch of geeks had a small talk conversation but then caught myself being nervous again so to shield potential awkwardness I pretended I just got there and never been there before and wanted to explore and I’d be back…
Dang girl , you must have really been nervous.
I was. But that mantra really helped I kept saying it to myself…Leaving gave me a moment to reset and possibly have them a moment to reset. I debated not returning for a second but then I thought I don’t want to go back on my word… they could have left that spot too yah know!? But they didn’t -I just figured if they didn’t want to talk to me that would be an opportunity for them to leave too. I think it was a good choice because it left things open especially after a brief encounter to see how we would all calibrate to the situation, so after a moment of going back upstairs and finding the mezzanine and back etc I went to see if they had left the spot I first encounter them at…
So when you went back they were still there?
They were.
Wow. Exciting.
And the first act finished up and we all went got drinks and chatted marvelously. Then we all went closer to the stage for the main act… I accidentally “whooped” too loud in Jacks* ear when it started. He switched positions w me which was nice but also created a barrier between Carl* and I. 👀 - but I kept it cool. I thought to myself “I don’t want to seem too eager” anyway and enjoyed the show. I offered a round of drinks and casually turned around a few times to cheer with them. I took a selfie for the gram. I danced. I even got a girl to dance with me who was standing near by. It was fun!
The show ended. We got in the merch line and chatted. No! Wait I almost forgot!!…I also just remembered that he casually mentioned he wasn’t dating anyone during one of our conversations that night too… that’s definitely a hint right!?
Ooh — yes, that is a meaningful detail.
It was subtle. It happened by the bar.. so it was either during intermission or as we were moving toward the merch line.. Jack* was in proximity… I don’t remember the topic beforehand..I heard it. Paused and some how the moment moved on..
AnYwAy! Lol -
We make our way to the merch line. The t-shirt lady was rude to me when I got to her. But I didn’t want to ruin our high energy, so i kept smiling as I spoke and I chose to ignore it. —Looking back it made me mad though. Not just bc she was rude, but it def made the mood slightly awkward for a moment. The guy who opened for the band was at the end of the t-shirt table, and Carl* noticed and said “good job,” that lightened the mood. We then we went outside, and I thought to myself “ I’m not gonna suggest anything to do afterwards bc again I don’t want to seem too desperate.” Also I wanted to see what they wanted to do, and even though there was a moment of silence—
They suggested going to a spot for drinks. I suggested a dive bar that was just down the street. We headed that way. Carl* showed me some rolling papers he got that had the new album art on them. I asked Jack* about his gf and if she was obsessed w Harry Potter bc he mentioned they went and saw the musical near by once. I told them how I liked a lot of things but I’m not really one to obsess over anything really. Jack* told us how he surprised her with really good seats… We got to the front door of the dive bar and showed our IDs. There was some weird guy on his knee begging one of the bouncers to let him in. It was a very dramatic display of begging so after going in. Carl* and I smiled at eachother ..and so did Jack*. Lol. We then met a guy at the bar who was wearing a cast that had also seen the show, his name was David.
So when you all met David at the bar —Did you stay and talk for a while?
Yeh we all chatted. Jack* was mostly talking to David. And Carl* and I slowly started to branch into our own conversation. He goes to the bathroom. I try to chime in on Jacks* statements w David bc I wanted to make it feel like a bridge between him and I too and not like I’m only talking to Carl*. My one thing about that is I hope I didn’t come across as too enthusiastic. I included David too. I touched his arm. I touched Carls* arm. I actually rly wanted to touch Carls* arm of course but I felt like if I casually touched David it would ease the Carl* touching; didn’t want to be too Carl* centric. I wanted to feel a sense of unity, even if Carl and I started to separate from the group more…I hope it came off as a lil flirty but not over bearing or not too casual either. It’s a moment I go back and forth on tbh…
😏Jack* was mostly taking to David but I noticed his beer getting lower….I went to the bathroom and when I returned Carl* and I talked more about the stretches we were doing lately for physical fitness. He mentioned how he had hurt his neck surfing and I looked at him and said “aaaw” and touched his arm again *:::::…,, + •.. …
🎶
“Euphoric vex - I’m so impressed by these tears,
They are mine.
Overwhelming god, I’ve never felt so alive — who am I?
Like toffee, so intensely sweet,
I want you, need you.
Take me, feed me sugar-coated words —
I’ll take them all and smile,
I’ll take them all and smile,
I’ve come so far.” 🎶— M.A.
A connection. It was real. Cant dismiss it. It will be treasured. That moment showed me my capacity to feel deeply. I can love, even without possession.
31-35, F