I can’t believe I once asked how I could exist without him.
I hadn’t thought of him in some time. Years probably. Until today when someone requested an angry and aggressive song to listen to. And the one I turned to after he ripped my tender and naive 19-year-old heart to shreds immediately got conjured, like it had been waiting in the darkest of corners of my mind waiting for its moment to be felt once again.
[media=https://youtu.be/CsxaoXHe9Xc]
My first job was for a friend of my dad’s who owned a bong shop. I was a cashier and had a view of the main strip in town. It was a great first job with cool people and doing something easy enough for me to feel confident in doing since I was such a shy little bird in life.
One day, this 5.0 Mustang pulled in and out of it emerged this tall, dark, and handsome guy who had the most confident aura to him. I had spent my days watching movies like Romeo and Juliet on repeat because I related so much to her and I was in love with the idea of love, so naturally I was in my own little fantasy world seeing him approach the door.
He was nice. Even more good looking up close. And was easy to talk to. I thought nothing more of him since I was forbidden to date or have any semblance of a life of my own. It was a moment I just decided to store in the memory bank and look back on from time to time and smile.
He came back the next day though and we talked more. I still thought nothing of it given my situation. But then he asked me out and I had to explain my embarrassing situation to him. And that was that. Or so I thought.
A couple of days passed and I happened to be looking out the window when I saw his car pass by. I got so giddy just seeing the car, but ultimately felt let down knowing I was in a “it was what it was” situation.
A few more days passed and he stopped by to ask if I would call my dad to say I was getting off an hour later than originally planned. I relayed the message and just like that, I had myself a pseudo date.
We only drove around for about half an hour, the entire time me being petrified that my dad would somehow notice me in someone else’s car. He sensed how scared I was and decided to take me down a backroad. It was a long, straight road. Perfect for him to gun it and hit 120mph as I felt the adrenaline run through me. I felt young. Free. Alive. Things I had honestly never felt before in my short, very controlled by others life.
I don’t remember our first kiss or the first time he put his arms around me, but I do remember us getting too handsy in the shop I was supposed to be working in, which was completely inappropriate. It was the only place we could see each other and unfortunately I was too blinded by my emotions to see that I wasn’t being a good employee.
She fired me, but promised to not tell my dad why. I was devastated because I got so wrapped up in him and how I felt that I disappointed her. I was also heartbroken that my actions caused me to lose the ability to be with him again.
We had only had a home phone for a couple of years at that point, and it turned out to be my lifeline to him. We would talk often, but many times he was distracted and it was mainly silence on his end as he and his family hung out and watched movies. I knew it wouldn’t be the same again.
One morning he called me to ask what I was doing. Not even ten minutes later, he was knocking on my door. I was so ecstatic to see him, but also so terrified to see his car parked outside the house knowing my dad did random drive-bys to check that the house was still standing. But the moment he kissed me all my worries went out the window. I felt young again. Wanted again. And to be wanted when you felt unwanted your entire life…it’s like a drug you never want to miss a dose of. It’s what caused me to one day walk down the street to the car wash I knew he was at as my heart pounded the entire time. Part scared my dad would catch me. Part excited to see him. I felt brave for the first time ever, just to have him be “eh” when he saw me. That should’ve told me everything I needed to know, but I was young and too ridiculously stupid to see red flags like that.
He started coming by everyday, just for a little bit. And with each day the conversation lessened and the making out heightened until he finally talked me into sleeping with him.
He knew I was a virgin and was really scared of such a step, but he made me feel safe and cared for in a way that made me feel like he was meant to be my first.
It wasn’t as romantic as I envisioned my first time to be. He did take his shirt off though. It was the first time I had seen a bare chest that I could touch and feel against me. But I was still pretty much clothed from the waist up and there was zero hesitation from him in entering me. …no asking if I was okay despite my wincing and painful moans. No letting up at all. Just him telling me he loved me while he was inside of me…the first time he ever said it.
As we were getting dressed, my dad busted through my bedroom door. No words were said. He simply looked him in the eye and the stare alone made he leave. He didn’t even look back at me. He just left, same as my dad a few minutes later after he told me he could never trust me again.
I was gutted. It was the worse day of my teenage life.
I don’t know how many days I cried, but I do know the stress from the experience caused me to skip my period that month…something that just amped up the wtf of the whole thing.
He eventually came by one day and we sat on the front porch and talked. It would be our last face-to-face conversation.
He admitted to me that he had a fiancé. And that she was pregnant. They were high school sweethearts and very much in love. He just let his emotions get the best of him, which he apologized for.
There was no kiss goodbye. No hug either. Just a wave as I watched him drive out of my life, taking what pieces of my heart were left.
It would be two years before I would have the courage to fall for someone again. That person ended up being my future husband, who knew everything about him and when we happened to pass by him in a local store made a point to remind him what a true asshole he was. Our buddy had to step in to keep them separated because emotions ran that high.
Fast forward to three years back when I was still on Facebook and wouldn’t you know it, someone reached out to me. Still married to her. Two kids. And thriving it would seem.
But then he pointed out that he was in a hotel for work, emphasizing the alone part. That was the last time I allowed him to speak to me. And he’ll never get that kindness again.
Some things never change, but thankfully I did. I just wish I could’ve held my teenage self as she cried over and over for a guy who knew exactly what he was doing and still continued to make the decisions he did. It wasn’t on her, but it didn’t stop her for blaming herself for trying to love when love didn’t even exist. Something a teenage heart apparently has to learn for itself.
[media=https://youtu.be/CsxaoXHe9Xc]
My first job was for a friend of my dad’s who owned a bong shop. I was a cashier and had a view of the main strip in town. It was a great first job with cool people and doing something easy enough for me to feel confident in doing since I was such a shy little bird in life.
One day, this 5.0 Mustang pulled in and out of it emerged this tall, dark, and handsome guy who had the most confident aura to him. I had spent my days watching movies like Romeo and Juliet on repeat because I related so much to her and I was in love with the idea of love, so naturally I was in my own little fantasy world seeing him approach the door.
He was nice. Even more good looking up close. And was easy to talk to. I thought nothing more of him since I was forbidden to date or have any semblance of a life of my own. It was a moment I just decided to store in the memory bank and look back on from time to time and smile.
He came back the next day though and we talked more. I still thought nothing of it given my situation. But then he asked me out and I had to explain my embarrassing situation to him. And that was that. Or so I thought.
A couple of days passed and I happened to be looking out the window when I saw his car pass by. I got so giddy just seeing the car, but ultimately felt let down knowing I was in a “it was what it was” situation.
A few more days passed and he stopped by to ask if I would call my dad to say I was getting off an hour later than originally planned. I relayed the message and just like that, I had myself a pseudo date.
We only drove around for about half an hour, the entire time me being petrified that my dad would somehow notice me in someone else’s car. He sensed how scared I was and decided to take me down a backroad. It was a long, straight road. Perfect for him to gun it and hit 120mph as I felt the adrenaline run through me. I felt young. Free. Alive. Things I had honestly never felt before in my short, very controlled by others life.
I don’t remember our first kiss or the first time he put his arms around me, but I do remember us getting too handsy in the shop I was supposed to be working in, which was completely inappropriate. It was the only place we could see each other and unfortunately I was too blinded by my emotions to see that I wasn’t being a good employee.
She fired me, but promised to not tell my dad why. I was devastated because I got so wrapped up in him and how I felt that I disappointed her. I was also heartbroken that my actions caused me to lose the ability to be with him again.
We had only had a home phone for a couple of years at that point, and it turned out to be my lifeline to him. We would talk often, but many times he was distracted and it was mainly silence on his end as he and his family hung out and watched movies. I knew it wouldn’t be the same again.
One morning he called me to ask what I was doing. Not even ten minutes later, he was knocking on my door. I was so ecstatic to see him, but also so terrified to see his car parked outside the house knowing my dad did random drive-bys to check that the house was still standing. But the moment he kissed me all my worries went out the window. I felt young again. Wanted again. And to be wanted when you felt unwanted your entire life…it’s like a drug you never want to miss a dose of. It’s what caused me to one day walk down the street to the car wash I knew he was at as my heart pounded the entire time. Part scared my dad would catch me. Part excited to see him. I felt brave for the first time ever, just to have him be “eh” when he saw me. That should’ve told me everything I needed to know, but I was young and too ridiculously stupid to see red flags like that.
He started coming by everyday, just for a little bit. And with each day the conversation lessened and the making out heightened until he finally talked me into sleeping with him.
He knew I was a virgin and was really scared of such a step, but he made me feel safe and cared for in a way that made me feel like he was meant to be my first.
It wasn’t as romantic as I envisioned my first time to be. He did take his shirt off though. It was the first time I had seen a bare chest that I could touch and feel against me. But I was still pretty much clothed from the waist up and there was zero hesitation from him in entering me. …no asking if I was okay despite my wincing and painful moans. No letting up at all. Just him telling me he loved me while he was inside of me…the first time he ever said it.
As we were getting dressed, my dad busted through my bedroom door. No words were said. He simply looked him in the eye and the stare alone made he leave. He didn’t even look back at me. He just left, same as my dad a few minutes later after he told me he could never trust me again.
I was gutted. It was the worse day of my teenage life.
I don’t know how many days I cried, but I do know the stress from the experience caused me to skip my period that month…something that just amped up the wtf of the whole thing.
He eventually came by one day and we sat on the front porch and talked. It would be our last face-to-face conversation.
He admitted to me that he had a fiancé. And that she was pregnant. They were high school sweethearts and very much in love. He just let his emotions get the best of him, which he apologized for.
There was no kiss goodbye. No hug either. Just a wave as I watched him drive out of my life, taking what pieces of my heart were left.
It would be two years before I would have the courage to fall for someone again. That person ended up being my future husband, who knew everything about him and when we happened to pass by him in a local store made a point to remind him what a true asshole he was. Our buddy had to step in to keep them separated because emotions ran that high.
Fast forward to three years back when I was still on Facebook and wouldn’t you know it, someone reached out to me. Still married to her. Two kids. And thriving it would seem.
But then he pointed out that he was in a hotel for work, emphasizing the alone part. That was the last time I allowed him to speak to me. And he’ll never get that kindness again.
Some things never change, but thankfully I did. I just wish I could’ve held my teenage self as she cried over and over for a guy who knew exactly what he was doing and still continued to make the decisions he did. It wasn’t on her, but it didn’t stop her for blaming herself for trying to love when love didn’t even exist. Something a teenage heart apparently has to learn for itself.
46-50, F
