Was cleaning up my gifts and noticed an “archived gifts” section. Didn’t even know that was a thing. Was an interesting journey to the past.
I’ve received so many gifts over the years. So. Many. A thoughtful gesture that I never see coming. Entering another’s mind…no matter the context…is incredibly flattering to me because for whatever reason I probably don’t want to pry too deeply in I tend to think I’m that invisible. It’s why 99.9% of the bows that are waiting for me to untie them are met with sincere gratitude. Being thought of is that big of a deal to me, whether it’s “voiced” or not. But as I was reminded tonight, some of those gifts that were once beautifully wrapped can leave a scar.
Once upon a time there was a lot of genuine care shared with these members. But I’m ashamed to admit that I have no clue who is on the other side of any of these. I was obviously close to each one of them at some point in time, but their signatures escape me because so many simply fade away after such proclamations are made. I would say it’s no big deal, but I know better. At the time it was a very big deal because even though their names escape me, I know that the connections forged were thought to once be untouchable…as naive as that sounds. Years ago I was giving my light and even the heart from which it was birthed from away probably way more easily than I should have. There was a lot of vulnerability. Realness. And pure care given and received, which is a beautiful thing. I could be myself. But that didn’t always pan out. While I can’t put a name to the words of many of the now hidden away remnants of what once was, there are two that I do recall. And I have to say, it doesn’t make the looking back hurt less. If anything the remembering hurts more.
Her and I were a lot alike. A lot alike. Our light complimented each other and we had nothing but love and support for one another. She blocked me out of the blue though. Well, it may not have been out of the blue. She asked me for my honesty. I gave it to her. She responded lovingly. Sat with it for maybe an hour or two. And then exited my life forever.
And him.
We were close. Close, close. To the point we were going to meet up after talking to each other for years. If twin flames are a thing, it was most definitely us. The love. The support. The laughs. The depth. So much shared over the course of I don’t know how many years. A EP chapter that migrated to here. But instead of showing up at a coffee shop to have a cup before jetting off for a photography journey, he decided to stand me up. And then called me a fake friend because my wounded heart and ego decided to take a breath and went half a day without responding to him.
Forming a connection used to be incredibly easy for me. I welcomed it. Fed the adrenaline and excitement of a new encounter to nourish it and watch it grow. Scars within from growing up with a parent who ignored me began to heal as I was accepted and slowly loved by these strangers who the universe randomly decided to bring into my life in what was once considered an unconventional way. The I love you’s making me place my hand over my heart in complete disbelief as I smiled from ear to ear feeling every powerful syllable of that tiny phrase. The I’ll always be here for you’s vanquishing my fear of abandonment that was extremely deep seated. The I’m not like everyone else you’ve met’s giving me hope that after all of the heartbreak kinship was finally found. These were all clear messages taken in by a naive girl who just felt blessed to even meet such cool and diverse people she wouldn’t have had the pleasure to meet otherwise. It was proof that magic existed and that magic is something I still feel to this day because despite the heartache encountered, how could I not. But I also feel the emptiness being so naive and open caused, and it often tried to kill the magic that tries so hard to remind me it still exists…trying to reach my heart to help mend it in some way. I’m not sure I want it to though, not if I have to go through all of that again just to come back to the same end results in the same box but with a different bow.
This place has proven that it has one hell of a revolving door. Just think the one leading to my heart is jammed full of gifts and words of those left behind.
This is a great post. I didn’t know about archived gifts either. We sure do make some amazing connections online. Some of mine have been closer than anyone in real life. I miss some as ya we’ve drifted apart, or a 180 was done and we are only each a name on screen that we used to know or they deleted their account here. 🫂🫂
… it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all…
Love is a powerful emotion that carries a series of ripple effects that can be both good and bad. And while I’m in love with love, there’s definitely been some times when I wished I hadn’t let it be the driving force in some of my more toxic connections. It can blind you so much and the false hope it gives you can be dangerous to the point where it begins to eat the light within you alive. So that’s a saying I learned to not be true in some cases, especially when the emotion is too big to wield properly.
@PerfectionOfTheHeart That's true enough. Especially here where sensitive topics are in play and people reach out with perfect words and partially soothe some wounds.
It's easy to get caught up in it and as things progress become emotionally attached to the thoughts we're given.
For my part, I try not to send things that are too easy to misconstrue. I tend to avoid the kindest of words and people in an effort to keep myself from really deep attachments.
There are those that I enjoy and read a lot of but I don't comment very often, and most times I'll only place reactions on things that really grabat me.
I too, love Love. But after decades here and on EP I have learned that protecting my heart is much more important than trying to be friends with avatars and made up names.
At one point a few years back, I allowed myself to become very cold, but that wasn't good for me either. Now I take into account that most people are actually good people. All with their own lives and problems. Things that either take them away or force them away, and I've tried to be okay with that.
For the most part, I am.
As always, I wish you all the best. I do root for you on a regular basis.
@HikingMan Saw a lot of myself in your words. The amount of care and overall exuberance I’ve had to die down when talking to certain people…it actually pains me because it’s so much against who I truly am. But it’s what has to be done because my energy has become that precious to me. And yet I still use it when the shield is up because I refuse to revisit the places that once was with those who scarred me the deepest here, and I also refuse to subject new faces to the inevitable pain that seems to always come when it involves getting too close to me. It can be exhausting simply existing here, which will reach its limit one day because it’s too hard to heal in the place where so much hurt was caused. But I continually try because I know it’s more my doing than the setting itself. And how I react to what is, what has been, and what will be is where the true power of healing lies.
Thank you for your words and the care that’s behind them, even if they are masked. I see you and I appreciate you, despite both of us being reserved these days.
It truly is a revolving door here. I think most of us been in similar situations as what you described. Life is hard enough w/o the added weight of unnecessary actions or accusations.
I'm going through a lot and honestly couldn't finish reading as it was too heart wrenching. I hope you don't take offense to that. Your post is really touching.
You know, you and I used to talk a lot when I was under a different name. None of the ones in your pics... but still.
@SinlessOnslaught I’m sorry it had that effect. Wish I could recall things better, but I also get that sometimes my brain forgets things here and there for my own protection. Just wish it could protect others as well.
Incredibly relatable. 🫂 I liked reading about all your good things. There’s a cost whether you take those chances or not, so I’m just glad you have some good things to look back on, got to know how some good things felt. Magic suits you. I’m glad you’re still here. 🤗💕
