I Am Not the Person I Used to Be

When I used to try and help people on here/EP, I always felt like I was fighting an uphill battle. Like people hated me for it more often than they appreciated it, and like nothing I was saying was really having an effect on anyone. I used to try and connect with people too - and I did connect with people, really strongly with a couple of people. But in the end those people taught me that everyone that my heart is able to feel a connection with will turn on me eventually - either by having the kind of ego that makes them do a complete 180 on you eventually - because their view of themselves and everyone else is always like a very flip-able light switch, that's either as high as the clouds, or as low as dirt - or by having the kind of monster-pride that turns Jeckel into Hyde once any conflict starts (everyone fights sometimes), and then the conflict never ends, because that kind of pride is always war. I realized that the few kinds of people that I'm able to feel a connection to will always be bad for me.

Now I don't try to help people unless I happen to feel like it. I don't try to connect with people. I don't give a second thought to the effect that my words have on others, because I just don't believe that my words will have any meaningful effect on anyone. I'll never get anything that matters from anyone on this site, and without being able to connect with anyone, I'll never have the power to give anything that matters to anyone on this site either. I can say whatever I want to people, because they're like strangers on the street who'll never be anything more than that. It's an ugly sort of freedom.