I Am Not the Person I Used to Be
Today, I've spent the last couple of hours tracking down some of my old emails to long lost friends and my still surviving posts on the random websites that I used to spend a lot of my time during a strange and tumultuous period of my life (including the Experience Project stories I could find). If someone met me back then and then met me now, I wonder if they'd even recognise me as the same person? Physically, I haven't changed drastically, but even I found it hard to relate to some of those old posts.
More disquietingly, I wonder if the "me" of old would like the person I am today.
"Past Me" was in a very dark and lonely place. I was going through a deep depression which lead me to not leave the house much at all, cut ties from anyone I was speaking to at the time (which was mostly online at that point) whilst being glued to my computer at almost all hours of the day that I wasn't sleeping. The rather wild sleeping habits and lack of social interaction pushed my introspection into overdrive to the point where it was almost a psychedelic experience at times. It's hard to explain, but in a way, I'm grateful that I experienced this dark time in my life because it allowed me to explore my identity by delving into the more remote and strange corners of my mind. Like a very long, unpleasant trip. Not saying that I would go back to that, just that I learnt a lot.
"Current Me" is much happier than past me, but now I've integrated myself into society in a more respectable manner. I have a full-time job (which I should be working at right now but I'm on here instead hehe..), I am in a great relationship, I have a much more mature and healthy relationship with my family and I actually contact and see the friends that I do have. Sure, I do wish I had more time to see my scattered bunch of friends and I wish I could grow deeper relationships too, but it seems like this is simply what happens when you make the metamorphosis into a fully-fledged adult.
Main things I have noticed as I've grown up are:
- I am no longer as creative as I once was. Or if it's not my creativity that has left me, it's my energy and inspiration to nurture it.
- I no longer put my thoughts down to paper (although I suppose you could say me writing this post out is a new beginning to that)
- There's a certain "buzz" about life that I experience far less often. A sense of excitement and wonder.
- I feel a lot more sure about myself (though I am still aiming to improve on this front)
This makes me think that I am at risk of becoming jaded by adulthood unless I consciously make an effort to keep my creative spirit alive. Spending too much time navigating overcrowded trains, hunched over a computer in an office, worrying about what there is to eat for dinner - I need to make more time to get outside and remember the beauty and magic that there is in the world. Reading through some of the other stories on here, I think that's something everyone could do more of.
More disquietingly, I wonder if the "me" of old would like the person I am today.
"Past Me" was in a very dark and lonely place. I was going through a deep depression which lead me to not leave the house much at all, cut ties from anyone I was speaking to at the time (which was mostly online at that point) whilst being glued to my computer at almost all hours of the day that I wasn't sleeping. The rather wild sleeping habits and lack of social interaction pushed my introspection into overdrive to the point where it was almost a psychedelic experience at times. It's hard to explain, but in a way, I'm grateful that I experienced this dark time in my life because it allowed me to explore my identity by delving into the more remote and strange corners of my mind. Like a very long, unpleasant trip. Not saying that I would go back to that, just that I learnt a lot.
"Current Me" is much happier than past me, but now I've integrated myself into society in a more respectable manner. I have a full-time job (which I should be working at right now but I'm on here instead hehe..), I am in a great relationship, I have a much more mature and healthy relationship with my family and I actually contact and see the friends that I do have. Sure, I do wish I had more time to see my scattered bunch of friends and I wish I could grow deeper relationships too, but it seems like this is simply what happens when you make the metamorphosis into a fully-fledged adult.
Main things I have noticed as I've grown up are:
- I am no longer as creative as I once was. Or if it's not my creativity that has left me, it's my energy and inspiration to nurture it.
- I no longer put my thoughts down to paper (although I suppose you could say me writing this post out is a new beginning to that)
- There's a certain "buzz" about life that I experience far less often. A sense of excitement and wonder.
- I feel a lot more sure about myself (though I am still aiming to improve on this front)
This makes me think that I am at risk of becoming jaded by adulthood unless I consciously make an effort to keep my creative spirit alive. Spending too much time navigating overcrowded trains, hunched over a computer in an office, worrying about what there is to eat for dinner - I need to make more time to get outside and remember the beauty and magic that there is in the world. Reading through some of the other stories on here, I think that's something everyone could do more of.
31-35, F
