My therapist thought I was improving....

@MarkPaul That's fine. You guys cant help me for shit. You cant even prescribe anything. The only reason I went in was because my dad forced me to.

@HankHill 🧔 The solution doesn't come from medication. We want to explore what is holding your mind hostage. How did it make you feel to feel your father forced you into something you claim you don't want to do? *Relights pipe and leans forward.*

@MarkPaul I tried it because he has raised me. The least i can do is try. I am simply saying that I am unsatisfied with the experience. I am grateful that he tried helping but a therapist clearly isn't gonna help. Its a never ending fear I have. I can't even leave my home sometimes. I'm pathetic and a weak man, i get that but i just wanna stop the never ending fear. I dont care if it takes medication. I just want it to stop. I know i can never be "normal". But I'm okay with that.

@HankHill 🧔 Are you able to put a description to your fear? Does it seem overpowering to you? *Taps pipe on side of chair and raises right eyebrow.*

It's like I have paranoia or something. Like i have this voice always telling me that I'm physically ugly. I almost cry when I look into mirrors in public. It's strange because I'll look at myself in the mirror at home and I don't think I look ugly. It's only when I'm out in public. I also get teased for being socially awkward. I feel like I've fallen behind other people my age when it comes to social communication. It's not like I wanna make people uncomfortable. It's only when I'm in public. And yes it feels overpowering.

@HankHill 🧔 Many times, social anxiety becomes a "dark passenger" that travels with us. And, that's powerful because the passenger is always there. But, we have to remind ourselves, sometimes quite audibly, that we are still in the driver's seat. The passenger has power, yes, but it's not the one driving. Does that hold any meaning for you? *Places pipe on glass table top and puts both arms on the arm rests of chair.*

That does make sense. I can be in full control sometimes like today. I actually didn't even need alcohol today but I still drank it for some reason. I remember how healthy and free I felt walking outside and just taking it all in. It was nice outside today. The trees and just nature in general almost made me cry because I had locked myself in my home for 3 days straight prior. It was beautiful. This was before I decided to drink today. I actually didn't drink until I got back. I think my body just made it a natural instinct to drink everyday.

@HankHill 🧔 I wonder if drinking is an unnecessary tool... kind of like training wheels...? * Twirls pipe with his left hand.*

@MarkPaul This is serious and you're doing it well... and I can almost picture you as you describe it. Keep going, *nods and smiles approvingly, and puts my glasses back on my nose, and picks up some papers*....

@PeachesGR I wonder too. Trust me. I ain't proud of it. But I do make it a conscious effort to try and recall all the events that took place and how I felt and what I noticed and didn't pay attention to for once. I always recall that there wasn't any REAL DANGER when I was just being myself under the influence of alcohol. I remember how nobody messed with me. So I try to remind myself when I'm sober that it's okay to be myself because nothing bad happened when I was drunk. I'm a high functioning alcoholic by the way so it's not like I was acting like some crazy fool (That's not an excuse by the way). But what I figure is that if I can just remind myself when I sober that it's okay to be myself then maybe I can heal.

@HankHill 🧔 Would you like try to do that... almost like a test, not necessarily as a change... just a test? *Holds pipe up to the ceiling.*

@MarkPaul yes, I'm willing to do it. I've actually done it in the past before during nervous breakdowns. I've stopped 2 anxiety attacks this way before, it's just hard to do it. Perhaps I need more practice. I'll try again tomorrow.

Nice work!