depression keeps kicking me down.
I am a student attending college.. I do have goals that i am trying to achieve.. And i have family, of course what immediate family isn't dysfunctional right?
I have depression.. since i was little. Back then I wasn't aware of my behavior and how bad my environment affected me. It wasn't until most of my friends in class started to avoid me, and alienated me. My family pretty much labeled me as a spoiled problem child, I just kept having bad connections with people. I got used to being in my own world, and pretty much playing with my imagination. Yes i do have a cousin i connect with but she had her own time with her friends. I flunked a grade and that set me back to worse obstacles. Dealing with younger kids.. It was emberassing. and not to mention annoying. As i grew up i did learn a bit to open up, but i was always always depressed. I just got good at keeping quiet and being super shy. Though i looked like someone you didn't want to approach. It just wasn't going well for me. But as i got older I had gotten jobs and of course it requires you to speak to customers. Oh my, Was i shy. It took me a while to open up to customers but i got over it and pretty much changed for the better. I do talk to people its not a problem.. But I cant fathom the amount of stress I go through..I mean In some way I see myself stronger tehn when i was younger but.. sometimes that depression still hits me. Lately my beautiful has been falling out like crazy.. So much strands fall out in the shower.. after the shower... when it dries.. im even afraid to come my hair. I would want to say Its telogen effluvium or too much sebum being produced in my scalp but honestly.. Its just adding more stress. Not only that but im starting to feel like i cant cope with work or not being able to do certain things but. This sadness is really getting to me. I sometimes do feel like shit, and is only shit. Negative words pop into my thoughts like as if people are thinking that of me.. and that i am nothing but all of these negative things..
I Know im not all of those things. I know I can do something to change the way i see myself and others. I just wish i didn't have this feeling of being depressed all the time. I hate it. I also hate thinking that i want give up, Cause i know i can get to places if i try.
Btw I am not nor will I ever return to taking medical drugs to help cope with my depression. I believe there are and is natural alternatives to help balance with moods.
I have depression.. since i was little. Back then I wasn't aware of my behavior and how bad my environment affected me. It wasn't until most of my friends in class started to avoid me, and alienated me. My family pretty much labeled me as a spoiled problem child, I just kept having bad connections with people. I got used to being in my own world, and pretty much playing with my imagination. Yes i do have a cousin i connect with but she had her own time with her friends. I flunked a grade and that set me back to worse obstacles. Dealing with younger kids.. It was emberassing. and not to mention annoying. As i grew up i did learn a bit to open up, but i was always always depressed. I just got good at keeping quiet and being super shy. Though i looked like someone you didn't want to approach. It just wasn't going well for me. But as i got older I had gotten jobs and of course it requires you to speak to customers. Oh my, Was i shy. It took me a while to open up to customers but i got over it and pretty much changed for the better. I do talk to people its not a problem.. But I cant fathom the amount of stress I go through..I mean In some way I see myself stronger tehn when i was younger but.. sometimes that depression still hits me. Lately my beautiful has been falling out like crazy.. So much strands fall out in the shower.. after the shower... when it dries.. im even afraid to come my hair. I would want to say Its telogen effluvium or too much sebum being produced in my scalp but honestly.. Its just adding more stress. Not only that but im starting to feel like i cant cope with work or not being able to do certain things but. This sadness is really getting to me. I sometimes do feel like shit, and is only shit. Negative words pop into my thoughts like as if people are thinking that of me.. and that i am nothing but all of these negative things..
I Know im not all of those things. I know I can do something to change the way i see myself and others. I just wish i didn't have this feeling of being depressed all the time. I hate it. I also hate thinking that i want give up, Cause i know i can get to places if i try.
Btw I am not nor will I ever return to taking medical drugs to help cope with my depression. I believe there are and is natural alternatives to help balance with moods.
31-35, F
