Do you ever feel trapped in your own mind

Yeah me and my bf met and got together in November I’m happy when I see him once a month I feel like nothing matters then when he’s not here I’m so lonely and down and think why would he want someone like me why am I so depressed I shouldn’t be there are people worse off I’m always thinking bad last night I started to think about taking my life again it sucks @KaiserSolze

@Rochelle1993 I don't think about taking my life exactly - I see flashes of images of me taking my life but have no intention of doing it. Lately I feel like I've learnt everything I want to learn, I have no interest in sex and I've simply had enough of life generally. I just don't want to be here anymore. I know it's actually that I'm really angry and sad but there's nothing I can do about either of those emotions. I am considering getting tablets, even though I disagree with tablets, I'll wait a couple of weeks and then decide.

Pinning feeling ok on another person sounds risky to me. I don't want to sound like a downer but it does.

@KaiserSolze I’m not pinning it on him I love him to bits he is so helpful it’s like when I’m arround my mum and sister I’m happy but the minuite I’m alone left to think the thoughts in my head I feel so trapped so alone so down I hate my body my life everything and I don’t know why I really don’t I have attempted to take my life on more than one occasion but never worked I feel like I’m hurting everyone arround me and dragging them down with me

@Rochelle1993 I hate my body and my life too. I didn't used to, I loved it. Right now I just want to be alone, don't want anyone around me, I can't cope with interactions. I'm people bankrupt, that's how I see it. I just got my life how I wanted it and I allowed someone to tear it apart. It's good you have a lovely bf.

That’s where my life started to mess up was with my first ever bf I spent 5 years with him trapped in happy abused mentally @KaiserSolze

@Rochelle1993 that's the most annoying thing, I've been in abusive relationships and they basically didn't stop me doing anything or enjoying my life. After this relationship I'm messed up. He did isolate me but that's never bothered me before, I liked my own company. Somehow I hate myself or have become aware I hate myself, maybe I always hated myself I dunno because how else would I be in abusive relationships previously. But i did like my life and myself - I thought I did.

I think I just let him get too close to me emotionally. He's a depressive negative person and because I let him get close its effected me. Usually I stay emotionally distant for this reason.

Yeah it sucks and it’s hard to come back from it really is @KaiserSolze

@Rochelle1993 I was thinking maybe doing positive affirmations in a mirror everyday. Being generally kind to myself. Taking 2 years away from relationships or even dating to regather myself. Maybe some spiritual cleansing ritual. Meditation and essential oils. Going out on my own for walks and dinner etc. Just generally recenter by being kind to myself and spending time with myself again. What do you do?

I’m over weight majorly so can’t walk much so I’m iscolated I didn’t have a relationship properly since my first bf I had short relationships nothing serious so for 5 years I been trying to re gain my self love but for 3 years I was fully single before my current bf I do art sometimes or I write or just call my sister and talk to my baby nephew @KaiserSolze

@Rochelle1993 art is good. I used to paint stuff sometimes. Talking to people is good too. Maybe I'll paint it out. Right now I'd probably just squirt paint and rub it all into a brown mess where I'm so angry and sad so maybe not yet with the art lol. What do you like to paint?

I colour and pain what ever is in front of me lol sometimes I get my wreck this journal and do pages in that @KaiserSolze

@Rochelle1993 I've been colouring in a colouring book because I don't have time or mental energy for drawing etc. I used to write some times too. This is what I need to recenter on.

Sounds like you know what makes you happy so you shouldn’t take long to be back to who you was just remember we all have our deamons @KaiserSolze

@Rochelle1993 that's true. I thought mine were all nicely dealt with, light shon on them and emotionally flushed the effects. But somehow they escaped or the emotions resurfaced. I know how. I know exactly how. But i didn't know they were still there, the emotions. It's my old emotions resurfacing plus his general negativity. He kept psychologically attacking my only weak point - my children, am I doing a good job, how are they as people, are they on the right path. That's literally my only real weakness. That's what he kept on and on going for. Whilst otherwise being ok. I hate him. He wanted to cause discord between me and my children. That instead has manifested in hating myself and my life. My children are happy, have friends, have good attendance and do well at school, have career ideas, do their chores. I spent years on parenting courses working at parenting so they could be the free happy self assured people they are. Years, I treated it like a career and it paid it off so far because they're great. He hated that, he hates single mothers, he believes women can't be a good parent on their own so he hated it. So he attacked it. I'm a very independent capable women especially considering how I have had a drug issue as a teenager, mental illness, abusive relationships, a mother who I was told by authorities to stay away from because she's psychologically dangerous for me. And I had my first child at 20, got help for myself, learnt how to parent, loved it,had 3 more children, started 2 part time business, studied constantly and am now at a point where my children are a bit older, I put alot of work in when they were little so they are ok with me working and they feel secure and this idiot guy comes along and attacks my parenting. Obviously every mother worries about their parenting however many classes they take so although it wasn't going in, I thought, it obviously was and instead I hate myself. Incorrectly hate myself because I type that out and think f I'm actually pretty amazing. This guy is a f'in d.

Thank you for talking with me, I actually feel a bit better having talked it out with you. I didn't think I could rationalise how I'm feeling but I think I pretty much have. I'm gonna still be down and stuff but it's really put it all in perspective. Thank you.

I’m glad I could help yeah I had a pretty shitty up bringing but it’s not for me to share as don’t want it all over the internet and my mum or Dad being slanderd my main reason I’m down I think is my weight and wanting so. Bad to have a baby everyone arround me has baby’s or is having and I’m 80% sure I’m infertile so might never happen for me @KaiserSolze

@Rochelle1993 it's not slander if its true. But that's your right and choice to keep things to yourself or not. I used to keep alot to myself. It's very freeing not to but I understand why you want to.

Your parents being slandered is bringing you down, did you mean? I might of took that wrong that not talking about a shitty upbringing is bringing you down.

I’d feel very down if they got slanderd because yes things haven’t been the best but I wouldn’t change them maybe it’s because I am emotionally attached and don’t want to admit what I’ve been through @KaiserSolze

@Rochelle1993 trauma bonding. A therapist is confidential, you know that? Unless they think you're a danger to yourself or others.

Talking it through in a safe confidential environment is helpful.

You can inbox me if you want to. Talking to you has helped me today. I would like to return the favour if possible.