Overwhelming depression

I'm a fairly happy person, but I've been severely depressed since 2005, diagnosed in 2012. Most days I'm happy and social and everything works (medication does alot).
Certain things can trigger these extremely overwhelming depressed feelings though, that I just don't want to exist and it's all pointless anyway.
This morning I had a lack of sleep, was already annoyed that I was gonna see my ex again (who apparently takes the same train now even though she lives miles away from the station and does nothing but stare mean the entire time... Childish!) and when I went to sit down it was next to another "ex", someone I almost started a relationship with but we didn't hit it off cause I messed up after I was drunk one night. I'm a former alcoholic, sober for some years now.
Shit like this just seems to turn a button and open the floodgates of depression and shame and melancholia and a sense of doom and pointlessness.
Sport helps, but only temporarily. Mostly I just want the good times back and the pointless times to end. I just don't have any courage of fight left in me.
What do you do with the overwhelming feeling of depression and not wanting to exist anymore?

This page is a permanent link to the reply below and its nested replies. See all post replies »

boklenholley7 · F

This probably isn't the best advice but I would imagine someone (abuser or other people who disliked me) wanting me to fail. I'm a bit competitive and well defiant so I'd turn the sadness into anger at that for wanting to see me like that and I'd work extra hard to reach my goals while no longer focusing on my shortcomings but on problem solving.
More recently every time my mind wandered to depressing things (bad events, conversations, decisions, etc.) I'd immediately switch my train of thought and ask myself something like what's something I've accomplished today, or what do I have going for me etc etc.
That was a lot of effort during really bad times as my thoughts would go right back to depressing things the second I stopped paying attention. But the effort was worth it because it helped a lot.
I also wrote down 3 things I was grateful for every day and take supplements that help regulate mood and stress.

Ludolphus · 31-35, M

@boklenholley7 The supplements help a bit. Everytime I imagine my abuser though I feel like he's right and I'm a worthless piece of shit. I try to focus on other things but it's like my mind just wanders back automatically...