Here it’s is, 4 o’clock in the morning, and I’m eating a glorified granola bar in the hopes my body and mind will want to go back to sleep.
After having fragmented rest that only came after power was restored from a storm that fired up out of nowhere.
After my husband, who looks for excuses to not show up for his job, laughed and openly announced that we’d be without power for days in the height of summer.
After I was completely drowning at work and feeling overwhelmed, frustrated, and too much was being demanded from someone who just suffered a panic attack a few days ago (something they don’t know).
After I was finally starting to feel “normal” again after a wonky morning of trying to get acclimated to new blood pressure meds and hopeful that I could definitely do this.
I was tested last night. Far more than I should’ve been. And the ripple effects have carried over into the early morning.
I had a plan for the short amount of time I had before a long shift at work today. But many establishments I would need to be open to conduct business with won’t be open today, and I already know I’m going to need to embrace the calm as much as I can before I’m struggling for air again in an environment that requires way more of me than it should.
…I really need to seek different employment. A different living situation. And a different location that doesn’t have me off in the woods where one storm can disrupt everything for hours. I need to focus on creating paths that can open me up to having a calmer life, if there even is such a thing, because I honestly feel like settling for all of this is slowly and painfully killing me on so many levels. I can feel my spirit slipping away from me more each day and it’s time that I finally acknowledge that.
Apologies for the lack of sunshine and rainbows with this. One storm came and went. And now I’m stuck in another. It just means that the sunshine and rainbows will shine brighter once this one passes as well. I just have to steer my little damaged boat that’s already taking in water into the heart of this unpredictable storm in order to fully see just how brightly they shine on the other side. I need that warmth. That vividness. Every facet of my being needs it…and I can finally admit to myself, deserves it.
After my husband, who looks for excuses to not show up for his job, laughed and openly announced that we’d be without power for days in the height of summer.
After I was completely drowning at work and feeling overwhelmed, frustrated, and too much was being demanded from someone who just suffered a panic attack a few days ago (something they don’t know).
After I was finally starting to feel “normal” again after a wonky morning of trying to get acclimated to new blood pressure meds and hopeful that I could definitely do this.
I was tested last night. Far more than I should’ve been. And the ripple effects have carried over into the early morning.
I had a plan for the short amount of time I had before a long shift at work today. But many establishments I would need to be open to conduct business with won’t be open today, and I already know I’m going to need to embrace the calm as much as I can before I’m struggling for air again in an environment that requires way more of me than it should.
…I really need to seek different employment. A different living situation. And a different location that doesn’t have me off in the woods where one storm can disrupt everything for hours. I need to focus on creating paths that can open me up to having a calmer life, if there even is such a thing, because I honestly feel like settling for all of this is slowly and painfully killing me on so many levels. I can feel my spirit slipping away from me more each day and it’s time that I finally acknowledge that.
Apologies for the lack of sunshine and rainbows with this. One storm came and went. And now I’m stuck in another. It just means that the sunshine and rainbows will shine brighter once this one passes as well. I just have to steer my little damaged boat that’s already taking in water into the heart of this unpredictable storm in order to fully see just how brightly they shine on the other side. I need that warmth. That vividness. Every facet of my being needs it…and I can finally admit to myself, deserves it.
46-50, F
