The making of a monster....Comments Closed
This post could be triggering to abuse survivors. Please use caution...
I had to go on a six-hour road trip today, and I recovered the emotional part of a domestic abuse trauma my momma endured. I have always had the visual part of most of this memory, but I recovered more information today about that too..This is marked adult because it contains extreme violence..
When I was about six years old, my mother had married a man who would break her, me, and my little brother before we got away permanently. On the night I am going to talk about my mom and step-dad had been on a running drunk and they were drugging..The tension was building. My stepfather said my mom was flirting, and I know she wasn't because she was terrified of his jealous outburst. They came home from the bar, and they were yelling and yelling. I was cringing and saying in my mind, "Please, please, mom, just be quiet!!!" but she couldn't. 😔
She had PTSD and was triggered, and the more he yelled, the deeper into the PTSD she went. She is 5'1" tall on a good day, and he was 6'1", and she was standing toe to toe, yelling and matching him word for word. My heart was dying and I was praying and crying (only inside because I didn't want to add to the stress).😥
Then he threw her on the bed and punched her in the face. this broke her nose. Then, quicker than any of us could react, he started choking her. My little brother and I jumped on his back and started hitting him as hard as a 6-year-old and 4-year-old could. Yelling Stop hurting our momma..Stop it!!!! Stop it!!!!! 😭
Finally, my little brother hit him in his bad ear ( the wife, before my mom found out he had been sneaking into her 4-year-old daughter's room, and she shot him in the ear. It was sensitive). This hurt him, and he backhanded my little brother, and he flew 3-4 feet across the room, but he had given our mom a chance to breathe, and she moaned, "Get your brother and go call the cops! '", so I did. My little brother's face was covered in blood, but I got him up quickly, and we went next door. 😭
The neighbors knew our history and called the cops, and got my brother cleaned up. I tried to run back home, but they wouldn't let me. I kept telling them he is going to kill my mom..I was hysterical trying to get out the door, but the cops knew our history too, and they were there in 5 minutes. It seemed like forever...🥺
They took him to jail, and Mom took us to our great-grandparents. They took one look at my little brother and my mom and forbade my mom from going back to him..They told her that if she did, she wouldn't be taking my little brother and me. Three days later, he got out of jail. He was sober and apologizing and telling her all the things he knew she needed to hear. She went back. It would be a few months before she would come and get my little brother and me and take us back to that heck..😭
I begged and begged her not to go back. I told her I was afraid he would kill her, but it was like I was talking, but she couldn't hear me..
This was one incident, but there were so many I lost count with this stepdad. There were other stepdads, and my mom always picked the same kind of men. She wanted red-hot passion; nothing less would do it for her. So she always chose men who could be completely consumed by passion, good or bad. This meant dangerous, dangerous men in the right circumstances..😔
Then I grew up and got married. In the beginning, we fought hard because I have PTSD, and when he would yell or intimidate me, I was a whole other person running completely on fight or flight, and dealing with the past and the present at the same time. He would hold me down and tell me to cry, and not a tear was shed..He would choke me and I would run away, but like my mom, he always promised to do better(My Husband meant it and he did do better). Then I got pregnant, and I caught him in a car with his ex-girlfriend necking. I was 3 months pregnant and in the middle of the big bad emotionalism, and I wasn't having it. I started walking home, and he caught me, yelling and screaming, dragging me back to the car. I peed my pants, but because this was my first baby, I thought my water broke. I went completely numb. When we got home, he told me he was going to kill himself, but I didn't care. I told him if I lost the baby, I didn't care what he did!". 😭
We fought 2 more times like this while I was pregnant, but my Husband had what my mom calls" an equalizer", and when things started to get heated, I would just hold that "equalizer". I would just hold it in my hand and tell him to leave me alone. I told him he would never hurt the baby again. I was 17, alone and scared shittless. That was the worst of it for a while. Our daughter was born, and he stopped fighting like that with me..We went to screaming and pushing each other into the wall, and knowing how bad it would get, we would do what it took to calm down, until one terrible August about 9 years ago.😔
I don't know why, but August in our family always means something terrible will happen with someone in the family, and it never fails. This August, it was my turn. My Husband started freaking out and getting jealous because I was walking 5 miles a day and starting to be healthy and looking kinda good.
He was working, and walking the 5 miles with me got to be too much, but rather than admit that, he fought with me, knowing I would get depressed and quit. This time, I didn't want to go that route, so I didn't break. The fight went on for 3 days. Neither of us sleeping, crying, screaming, pouting, hating..On the third morning, it started to accelerate again, and I told my daughter to get my phone and call the cops. I knew it was bad.😔
He grabbed her arm and started to twist it so she would drop the phone. She hollered out, and I punched him in the eye. Everything stopped. Time stopped. The fight stopped. It was over, but I saw the look in my kids' faces, and it was just like the look I saw on my little brother's face when my stepdad punched my mom. 😭
I was now the monster. My son told me my eyes were yellow, and it looked like a demon was in me. I was dealing with the past and the present at the same time, and I really wasn't in control..However, today, when I got back the emotions from all the times I saw this happen to my mom, I knew why I had flipped completely out. 😔
I had more control than I would have figured, now that I know how badly I was hurt and how afraid I have been ever since I was a kid. I didn't kill him. I stopped with one punch, but I hate myself for ever laying a hand on my Husband. My kids still talk about it once in a while, and their faces are still in shock. You see, I'm not a violonet person. I hate violence against anyone or anything. I can't stand screaming and intimidation tactics. Yet, I was the one who laid hands on someone in my marriage. 😔
We have all learned from this. Nothing like that happened before or since, and it never will again. I will always know what's inside me if someone touches one of my kids in front of me, though.. I fear that I have only recovered some of the memories. I know now how easy it is for me to step out and lose control. I will never let myself do that again. This all happened 9 years ago, and we learned to do better. My Husband and I still argue, but it is a lot less often and never ever that heated..We have learned our lesson, but I can't help but worry about what this did to my kids.😔
Our kids are all adults now, and we all talk about all this and other things we have all dealt with together over the years. It helps them; it is easy to tell. It reminds me that I have a monster inside, and I need to keep a tight leash on it..I know they will need therapy just as I did at some point, and I will do all it takes to help them get through any damage that what I did that morning caused them..As well as any damage, all of my Husband's and my fighting caused them. ❤
My marriage has been difficult, at times. At each stage, we got better. For the last almost 10 years, there has been relative peace, as we have learned when to step back from each other and let the heat from an argument die down.
This is how you make a monster. I have a monster inside of me that I hope I never see again.😭
[image/video - please log in to see this content]
I had to go on a six-hour road trip today, and I recovered the emotional part of a domestic abuse trauma my momma endured. I have always had the visual part of most of this memory, but I recovered more information today about that too..This is marked adult because it contains extreme violence..
When I was about six years old, my mother had married a man who would break her, me, and my little brother before we got away permanently. On the night I am going to talk about my mom and step-dad had been on a running drunk and they were drugging..The tension was building. My stepfather said my mom was flirting, and I know she wasn't because she was terrified of his jealous outburst. They came home from the bar, and they were yelling and yelling. I was cringing and saying in my mind, "Please, please, mom, just be quiet!!!" but she couldn't. 😔
She had PTSD and was triggered, and the more he yelled, the deeper into the PTSD she went. She is 5'1" tall on a good day, and he was 6'1", and she was standing toe to toe, yelling and matching him word for word. My heart was dying and I was praying and crying (only inside because I didn't want to add to the stress).😥
Then he threw her on the bed and punched her in the face. this broke her nose. Then, quicker than any of us could react, he started choking her. My little brother and I jumped on his back and started hitting him as hard as a 6-year-old and 4-year-old could. Yelling Stop hurting our momma..Stop it!!!! Stop it!!!!! 😭
Finally, my little brother hit him in his bad ear ( the wife, before my mom found out he had been sneaking into her 4-year-old daughter's room, and she shot him in the ear. It was sensitive). This hurt him, and he backhanded my little brother, and he flew 3-4 feet across the room, but he had given our mom a chance to breathe, and she moaned, "Get your brother and go call the cops! '", so I did. My little brother's face was covered in blood, but I got him up quickly, and we went next door. 😭
The neighbors knew our history and called the cops, and got my brother cleaned up. I tried to run back home, but they wouldn't let me. I kept telling them he is going to kill my mom..I was hysterical trying to get out the door, but the cops knew our history too, and they were there in 5 minutes. It seemed like forever...🥺
They took him to jail, and Mom took us to our great-grandparents. They took one look at my little brother and my mom and forbade my mom from going back to him..They told her that if she did, she wouldn't be taking my little brother and me. Three days later, he got out of jail. He was sober and apologizing and telling her all the things he knew she needed to hear. She went back. It would be a few months before she would come and get my little brother and me and take us back to that heck..😭
I begged and begged her not to go back. I told her I was afraid he would kill her, but it was like I was talking, but she couldn't hear me..
This was one incident, but there were so many I lost count with this stepdad. There were other stepdads, and my mom always picked the same kind of men. She wanted red-hot passion; nothing less would do it for her. So she always chose men who could be completely consumed by passion, good or bad. This meant dangerous, dangerous men in the right circumstances..😔
Then I grew up and got married. In the beginning, we fought hard because I have PTSD, and when he would yell or intimidate me, I was a whole other person running completely on fight or flight, and dealing with the past and the present at the same time. He would hold me down and tell me to cry, and not a tear was shed..He would choke me and I would run away, but like my mom, he always promised to do better(My Husband meant it and he did do better). Then I got pregnant, and I caught him in a car with his ex-girlfriend necking. I was 3 months pregnant and in the middle of the big bad emotionalism, and I wasn't having it. I started walking home, and he caught me, yelling and screaming, dragging me back to the car. I peed my pants, but because this was my first baby, I thought my water broke. I went completely numb. When we got home, he told me he was going to kill himself, but I didn't care. I told him if I lost the baby, I didn't care what he did!". 😭
We fought 2 more times like this while I was pregnant, but my Husband had what my mom calls" an equalizer", and when things started to get heated, I would just hold that "equalizer". I would just hold it in my hand and tell him to leave me alone. I told him he would never hurt the baby again. I was 17, alone and scared shittless. That was the worst of it for a while. Our daughter was born, and he stopped fighting like that with me..We went to screaming and pushing each other into the wall, and knowing how bad it would get, we would do what it took to calm down, until one terrible August about 9 years ago.😔
I don't know why, but August in our family always means something terrible will happen with someone in the family, and it never fails. This August, it was my turn. My Husband started freaking out and getting jealous because I was walking 5 miles a day and starting to be healthy and looking kinda good.
He was working, and walking the 5 miles with me got to be too much, but rather than admit that, he fought with me, knowing I would get depressed and quit. This time, I didn't want to go that route, so I didn't break. The fight went on for 3 days. Neither of us sleeping, crying, screaming, pouting, hating..On the third morning, it started to accelerate again, and I told my daughter to get my phone and call the cops. I knew it was bad.😔
He grabbed her arm and started to twist it so she would drop the phone. She hollered out, and I punched him in the eye. Everything stopped. Time stopped. The fight stopped. It was over, but I saw the look in my kids' faces, and it was just like the look I saw on my little brother's face when my stepdad punched my mom. 😭
I was now the monster. My son told me my eyes were yellow, and it looked like a demon was in me. I was dealing with the past and the present at the same time, and I really wasn't in control..However, today, when I got back the emotions from all the times I saw this happen to my mom, I knew why I had flipped completely out. 😔
I had more control than I would have figured, now that I know how badly I was hurt and how afraid I have been ever since I was a kid. I didn't kill him. I stopped with one punch, but I hate myself for ever laying a hand on my Husband. My kids still talk about it once in a while, and their faces are still in shock. You see, I'm not a violonet person. I hate violence against anyone or anything. I can't stand screaming and intimidation tactics. Yet, I was the one who laid hands on someone in my marriage. 😔
We have all learned from this. Nothing like that happened before or since, and it never will again. I will always know what's inside me if someone touches one of my kids in front of me, though.. I fear that I have only recovered some of the memories. I know now how easy it is for me to step out and lose control. I will never let myself do that again. This all happened 9 years ago, and we learned to do better. My Husband and I still argue, but it is a lot less often and never ever that heated..We have learned our lesson, but I can't help but worry about what this did to my kids.😔
Our kids are all adults now, and we all talk about all this and other things we have all dealt with together over the years. It helps them; it is easy to tell. It reminds me that I have a monster inside, and I need to keep a tight leash on it..I know they will need therapy just as I did at some point, and I will do all it takes to help them get through any damage that what I did that morning caused them..As well as any damage, all of my Husband's and my fighting caused them. ❤
My marriage has been difficult, at times. At each stage, we got better. For the last almost 10 years, there has been relative peace, as we have learned when to step back from each other and let the heat from an argument die down.
This is how you make a monster. I have a monster inside of me that I hope I never see again.😭
[image/video - please log in to see this content]
This post is closed and no longer available for commenting.