My 2025 wrap up.

I’ve been doing really well this year. Better than I’ve ever been honestly, but I was still struggling. An embarrassing amount of time this year has been spent procrastinating. Living with negative beliefs where I felt many things were just too difficult or stressful. So I did the easier thing. Time and time again. I distracted myself with screens and whatever was more enjoyable than the discipline.

Still, I was making progress toward doing a little more of something productive every day. I kept having to rework my approach when certain things didn’t work, but I was improving all the while. Then right when I felt like I had solved it, something really unexpected happened.

I woke up one morning with an intense amount of negativity that seemed to come from nowhere. I had appointments and many responsibilities that day and I managed to get through them, but just barely. I felt on the verge of panic and the most alarming part of this was the no apparent cause of it.

I was doing to so well and suddenly like a bolt from the blue I was feeling like I did before I had made all this progress. I got home somehow after a terrible day and like usual I was tempted to do the easier thing again. Turn on a screen and forget the negativity. It would go away… at least for now.

I refused that though. I tried to do the things that had worked so far to get me out of that dark headspace, but for some reason instead of helping me like it normally did, it all backfired horribly and made the negativity so much worse. I felt trapped. I knew that giving into the screens wouldn’t end well, but trying to be productive was impossible when I felt that awful.

So with no other choice I just sat down with myself. I had no clue what to do. I was so lost and confused. Everything had failed. I questioned if I had truly changed at all. It was almost like all my progress was false. Some delusion and I was the same as I ever was. I couldn’t do the harder thing, but I knew the easier one wasn’t an option either.

So I sat with just me in my dark room and nothing else. For hours. I felt everything. All my wrath, sorrow, hopelessness. I lashed out and felt like I was falling apart. It was very violent. It was like being a punching bad for every last negative emotion I had, but I just took it. Without the foggiest idea of what else I could possibly do.

I couldn’t give into past temptations. I’d regret that. I couldn’t fight for my future, that brought even more punishment down on me. So I just met myself right where I was and endured the worst feelings I’ve had all year.

I told myself it was fine. The darkness was fine. The silence was fine. My ragged breathing was fine. Everything as it was, despite my nuclear meltdown, was fine.
I resolved to be there for myself for as long as it takes and it took hours. Eventually that emotional maelstrom, whatever it was, finally started to subside.

After all that negativity was gone. I gently attempted all the things I had learned to be productive before and this time, it worked, but something else unexpected happened again. It not only worked, but it worked without the previous struggle I knew. I just followed all the lessons I taught myself, stayed diligent and… I could do it, but it wasn’t even hard anymore. In fact, I was happy to do it. My productivity felt great. Before I dreaded it, but suffered though. Now? It was fun.

It’s the craziest thing. I just sat with myself when I was at my worst, thought it was fine, and everything got better.