I don't usually go into detail about the night I tried to end things
But I'll talk about it if I feel the need to. I don't hide it like I used to.
One thing I'll say is I remember telling myself not to second guess it. When you second guess things, you stop yourself. That made it easy to drive into that wall the way I did.
Another thing I remember is how at the last second as I was about to hit that concrete wall, I turned the wheel. Out of fear of the impact maybe. Or maybe that was the part of me that didn't wanna give in. Either way, it was too late. Everything went black before I woke up in that car. I shouldn't have even woke up. If you saw my car you'd ask how all I got was my forehead scar.
Even the scar sucked though. Because it's like a reminder on my face of what I did. It took a while but I had to come to terms with what I did.. at first I even lied to myself about it. I told everyone I fell asleep & I lied so well even I believed it myself.
The night the memories hit me again I burst into tears because of one simple fact that I finally said out loud, "I still don't want to be here".
Idk why I decided to change everything after that. I thought about that night I should've died & the way I did it because I told myself not to second guess it.
At that moment I told myself to treat life that way.. but in a better way. If I wanna do something, do it. If I wanna try something, try it. Don't second guess it.
That's resulted in some crazy ass times but also some really good times as well. It's only been a year & half since that decision & I'm still not where I want to be. But I'm not the same person I was before.
I don't hate myself anymore. I don't even look the same anymore. I like how I look. I like my own skin. I want to be here.
Sorry, I get in my thoughts a lot at night. I should go to bed now but I just felt like rambling.
One thing I'll say is I remember telling myself not to second guess it. When you second guess things, you stop yourself. That made it easy to drive into that wall the way I did.
Another thing I remember is how at the last second as I was about to hit that concrete wall, I turned the wheel. Out of fear of the impact maybe. Or maybe that was the part of me that didn't wanna give in. Either way, it was too late. Everything went black before I woke up in that car. I shouldn't have even woke up. If you saw my car you'd ask how all I got was my forehead scar.
Even the scar sucked though. Because it's like a reminder on my face of what I did. It took a while but I had to come to terms with what I did.. at first I even lied to myself about it. I told everyone I fell asleep & I lied so well even I believed it myself.
The night the memories hit me again I burst into tears because of one simple fact that I finally said out loud, "I still don't want to be here".
Idk why I decided to change everything after that. I thought about that night I should've died & the way I did it because I told myself not to second guess it.
At that moment I told myself to treat life that way.. but in a better way. If I wanna do something, do it. If I wanna try something, try it. Don't second guess it.
That's resulted in some crazy ass times but also some really good times as well. It's only been a year & half since that decision & I'm still not where I want to be. But I'm not the same person I was before.
I don't hate myself anymore. I don't even look the same anymore. I like how I look. I like my own skin. I want to be here.
Sorry, I get in my thoughts a lot at night. I should go to bed now but I just felt like rambling.
