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When your marriage of 18 years is over and you find out your wife with whom you still share a house and business has a boyfriend...
56-60, M
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Jace:
From my perspective and from Quest’s observation, you indeed had/have a toxic relationship that has only recently been mitigated by separation. The man your wife has been spending time with is the ‘anti’ of you and could be considered a reaction, as you have alluded.
I’m going to venture a guess that there was an electricity between the two of you which came from some kind of tension. It’s that tension that later developed into the violence you have described. I’m also going to guess that there might have been ‘make-up’ sex as well. So, you would fight then make up and so the cycle goes. One wants to dominate the other – and there was no rest. The problem remains for her, however, is that you did hit her. More than once. That fact is unsettling, I imagine, for a woman with even a small amount of self respect, which is why she would hit back. It also wasn’t just the hitting, there were probably other words/looks/attitudes you might have exchanged which expressed displeasure, adding to that battle ground. She’s had enough. So, let her go, let the terrible relationship and all the bad habits GO. Then, do all you can to look in your mirror and be completely honest with yourself … where does this anger, this rage, this ability to hit the mother of your children.. .where does this come from? I’m not looking for an answer. YOU need to search yourself for that answer, and you have already begun this from what you've been posting. If you should seek out a counselor for input, use that counselor as you would a tool. At some point, you should no longer need that counselor (I speak from experience). The answer comes from within YOU ultimately.
So, I have changed my view on the two of you ever getting back together. Please, for the sake of your children, for the sake of your personal character growth – do not seek to woo your wife back. Either divorce or remain separate. Maintain the friendship. The two of you equal an atomic bomb, if I may use hyperbole. And maybe I’m going to be proven wrong, maybe there are toxic relationships that have healed over time… I’m willing to hear another’s story on that possibility.
My personal experience with toxic relationships: I married a narcissistic schizo-affective person. I wanted to help him reach his potential. His whole purpose in the marriage was to control ME. He never did what was needed to create an actual marriage. We did have children, but everything was about getting me and then the kids to ‘obey ‘. And this was under the guise of a ‘christian’ marriage. So, I left him after about 16 years. My life and my kids’ lives are so much better without the constant war. I don’t care if I ever date again. It’s MY life, I know who I am now and where I am going. I have peace. And so do my children. I also do not hate my ex – I actually forgive him, but I never want to go back. His form of abuse was abject neglect.
I wish you peace. The journey to your healing and peace is not easy but is worth every step.
From my perspective and from Quest’s observation, you indeed had/have a toxic relationship that has only recently been mitigated by separation. The man your wife has been spending time with is the ‘anti’ of you and could be considered a reaction, as you have alluded.
I’m going to venture a guess that there was an electricity between the two of you which came from some kind of tension. It’s that tension that later developed into the violence you have described. I’m also going to guess that there might have been ‘make-up’ sex as well. So, you would fight then make up and so the cycle goes. One wants to dominate the other – and there was no rest. The problem remains for her, however, is that you did hit her. More than once. That fact is unsettling, I imagine, for a woman with even a small amount of self respect, which is why she would hit back. It also wasn’t just the hitting, there were probably other words/looks/attitudes you might have exchanged which expressed displeasure, adding to that battle ground. She’s had enough. So, let her go, let the terrible relationship and all the bad habits GO. Then, do all you can to look in your mirror and be completely honest with yourself … where does this anger, this rage, this ability to hit the mother of your children.. .where does this come from? I’m not looking for an answer. YOU need to search yourself for that answer, and you have already begun this from what you've been posting. If you should seek out a counselor for input, use that counselor as you would a tool. At some point, you should no longer need that counselor (I speak from experience). The answer comes from within YOU ultimately.
So, I have changed my view on the two of you ever getting back together. Please, for the sake of your children, for the sake of your personal character growth – do not seek to woo your wife back. Either divorce or remain separate. Maintain the friendship. The two of you equal an atomic bomb, if I may use hyperbole. And maybe I’m going to be proven wrong, maybe there are toxic relationships that have healed over time… I’m willing to hear another’s story on that possibility.
My personal experience with toxic relationships: I married a narcissistic schizo-affective person. I wanted to help him reach his potential. His whole purpose in the marriage was to control ME. He never did what was needed to create an actual marriage. We did have children, but everything was about getting me and then the kids to ‘obey ‘. And this was under the guise of a ‘christian’ marriage. So, I left him after about 16 years. My life and my kids’ lives are so much better without the constant war. I don’t care if I ever date again. It’s MY life, I know who I am now and where I am going. I have peace. And so do my children. I also do not hate my ex – I actually forgive him, but I never want to go back. His form of abuse was abject neglect.
I wish you peace. The journey to your healing and peace is not easy but is worth every step.