I am a New Member at Similar Worlds

Yesterday was my birthday. I was 48 years old. I received some great gifts from my family including a proper camera with 2 lenses so I can take photos of the birds, river, people etc. I wanted one at christmas but Sarah didn't want me to get one. She has been so good to me recently and this was another indication of her progress. My son made me a delicious breakfast with bacon, pork sausages, eggs and black pudding (blood sausage), which we both love. Sarah and I spent the whole day together. We went for a drive to a town about 45mins away to install a coffee machine. We have a coffee roasting business and import and sell them as well as supplying all the consumables. She didn't need to come, I usually do these things alone, but I asked her to and she said as long as I didn't ask about 'him', she would. We got back and there was the usual flurry of kids after school activites. We went to the local pub for a meal as a family. It was delicious. I had blue steak (very rare), it melted in my mouth. Olly and Sarah had the chicken which was delicous. Afterwards Olly and I joined the pub quiz with a few of the school mums who we know. One of them came outside for a cigarette with me and asked me how I was. I told her about what had happened and she was very understanding. Sarah had taken the girls home so when I got home I went into her (our) bedroom to see her. She asked me if I'd said anything to anyone and I told her I had....she lost her temper and said they would all be gossiping about us. I said it was better to hear it from the horses mouth than to hear second hand and make stuff up. She seems to think that everything can go on as normal and nobody she knows needs to have a clue about the massive changes in our lives. She doesn't get to pull the strings. When she was talking to him on the phone in the pub with her friends and telling anyone who would listen how we were splitting up, did I have a say in anything. I didn't even know what she was up to...Now she has made her decision re this man and I'm moving out, they are the facts. She takes no ownership of our marital problems, saying it's all my fault.
I have to make a confession which will shock you all. The thing I've held in which has been a blight on our marriage and my deepest embarassment...I have hit her. I haven't done it for a few years. But in the heat of an argument I have in the past hit her and I'm deeply ashamed... I'm not a beater who comes home and knocks my wife around, it's been when drunk and when provoked over a sustained period of time. At the start of our marriage she used to hit me over the head with lamps, she bent my finger which still has a lump on it. But I'm a lot stronger than her and when I hit it hurts a lot. I should have gone to counselling or anger management a long time ago. I'm arranging for some now to make me a better person for her and whoever comes after if any.
I hope you understand and can find it in your hearts to forgive me, and I hope she will. One day in the future I want to show her this blog and I want her to see how truly sorry I am and how I want to be a better person, because changed behaviour is the best apology. Thanks for reading.....