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I deal with low self-esteem

but sometimes if triggered enough a spontaneous "assertiveness"(strength) arises within me. I don't understand how thats possible or where it comes from. At least I perceive it to be assertiveness. It can be automatic like the fight or flight response.

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BlueDiver · 41-45, M

It sounds like you're separating the assertiveness from yourself - like it's coming into you in a way that's completely outside of your control. The feelings and experiences that arise within you don't come from somewhere else - they come from you. They're a part of who you are.

dark548 · M

I guess somehow it is still in there, that "courage" I believe I used to have. Its hard to believe after having discovered in myself how much of a huge coward I can be.

BlueDiver · 41-45, M

I get the sense that you focus on things like cowardice and weakness when you look at yourself, and marginalize/separate things like assertiveness and strength, because it justifies acting on the cowardice, instead of acting on the strength.

dark548 · M

@BlueDiver: I'm not sure I fully understand but I just feel like my recent cowardice outweighs or overrides my past strengths. I'm trying not to let it define me though, which is why I use language like "I can be a coward" rather than "I am a coward".

BlueDiver · 41-45, M

It's something that I noticed in some of your language - I might be wrong. You seemed much more willing to talk about your weaknesses than your strengths, and to focus on them, which makes me think that on some level you *want* to be weak. I mean, the responsibility of strength and freedom is terrifying - we all run from it to some extent - but the sense I got was that you do it to a much greater extent than most.

dark548 · M

@BlueDiver: hmm...I never really thought about it that way. Maybe I should pay more attention to that or start focusing more on my strengths and abilities. Thanks for the feedback 👍

BlueDiver · 41-45, M

No worries - hopefully some of it will be useful to you.

dark548 · M

@BlueDiver: thanks 🙏