Random rant about nightmares

I'm so sorry. For everything that happened in the past. I'm sorry for the life we lived, the drugs, the sketchy times. As soon as Megan came into our lives everything officially fell apart. Our lives became crippled and our minds destroyed. We had no control of that. Would it have been different if we didn't live there. Would it still be the same, would she have still came into our lives. Would this have been different. Who are we now. What is MY life and why am I here. After all that. Why am I here. Just exsisting.

Erin even said I will not thrive. Was that an instruction or a fact. When he opened up my mind he planted things and distorted how I remeber things. My memories of certain things seem worse sometimes then what I think actually happened but I don't remeber what is and isn't real. The ptsd alone distorts things over time by constantly thinking about it and adding fear into mix. All the gaps in my mind are just filled with more fear. More questions. More dead ends. Who am I and why am I here? Am i still even there? I am me and I feel like I'm me. But it's just different. Not in my control. But I think I can control my actions. Thoughts create actions and I don't have to act in ways I don't want to or know are wrong. I just have to fight my own mind because not all thoughts are mine. I just have to figure out the difference. Atleast it's obvious. Sometimes...

My life has been far more difficult than it ever had to be. I hope it will be worth it one day. Will i make it to that time "one day". Or is it just a fizzled up dream and i just keep dragging on without purpose.