Faded Away
I've been alone so long and only ever wanted someone and dreamt about being a boyfriend when I was a boy that now I can't imagine ever actually letting someone in or the idea of someone ever actually being attracted to me. It just feels alien.
Sometimes I feel jealousy and bitterness. That there are men who cheat on their women or constantly screw their way through life, all through hs it was there, end up with someone. And guys like me are just left alone. But then, I'm not exactly stable and still don't really have a clear direction even though I have the advantage of still being able to chase my passions. And I just keep hoping 24 or 25 or however long won't be too long. I won't have missed out on too much of my life or waited too long. And all my youth gone when someone finally ends up wanting me.
At this point though, I'm finally just actually starting to get somewhere as a musician and a model/actor, even if just barely. And I spent so long as a boy dreaming of someone, I can't imagine letting anyone in anymore. How could they ever understand or see me back then? How could anyone ever convince me they'd have liked me when I was an ugly loser as a boy? I have a woman in my life I hold dear. A friend, with her own spouse. I like to think it's enough. But sometimes it isn't.
And then I remember that the fact that I even have a crush on someone is proof I'm not able to be unalone yet. Because it's just proof that my mind still wanders to thoughts of unrealistic romanticism and dreams of someone else. Proof I'm still just busy idealizing things and others.
Sometimes I'm scared I've faded away too much after all the years. I'm not the boy I was. And that boy deserved so much better. Why was he passed up and rejected and told he was ugly and a loser? Why do I deserve things now? Why should anyone deserve me now at my best when no one wanted me at my worst?
Why am I destined to just fade to the point that no one can ever really see me or give me a reason to let them in?
I don't understand what's always been so wrong with me.
Sometimes I feel jealousy and bitterness. That there are men who cheat on their women or constantly screw their way through life, all through hs it was there, end up with someone. And guys like me are just left alone. But then, I'm not exactly stable and still don't really have a clear direction even though I have the advantage of still being able to chase my passions. And I just keep hoping 24 or 25 or however long won't be too long. I won't have missed out on too much of my life or waited too long. And all my youth gone when someone finally ends up wanting me.
At this point though, I'm finally just actually starting to get somewhere as a musician and a model/actor, even if just barely. And I spent so long as a boy dreaming of someone, I can't imagine letting anyone in anymore. How could they ever understand or see me back then? How could anyone ever convince me they'd have liked me when I was an ugly loser as a boy? I have a woman in my life I hold dear. A friend, with her own spouse. I like to think it's enough. But sometimes it isn't.
And then I remember that the fact that I even have a crush on someone is proof I'm not able to be unalone yet. Because it's just proof that my mind still wanders to thoughts of unrealistic romanticism and dreams of someone else. Proof I'm still just busy idealizing things and others.
Sometimes I'm scared I've faded away too much after all the years. I'm not the boy I was. And that boy deserved so much better. Why was he passed up and rejected and told he was ugly and a loser? Why do I deserve things now? Why should anyone deserve me now at my best when no one wanted me at my worst?
Why am I destined to just fade to the point that no one can ever really see me or give me a reason to let them in?
I don't understand what's always been so wrong with me.
26-30, M
