Sorry to hear. My mother also left and ended her life... which is worse. At least yours is still alive and you still have the chance to make your bond stronger with her over time. Good luck.

Here's the thing. Your mum's behaviour is nothing to do with you. It doesn't say you weren't worthy of loving. It doesn't say you aren't now.

It only tells you she had her own struggles. Something inside her that was too big for her to handle.

So you need to make a choice, because you're like a person whose life is at the crossroads.

Road 1. Hold on to the pain. Continue to nurse it, continue to want something in the past that you cannot ever change. Ask yourself, where has this led you so far? Where will it take you?

Road 2. Let go and start to live.

Just my unwanted 2 cents but if you are not getting what you clearly desperately need from your biological mother, why not find a woman in your life that exhibits the qualities you do desire in a mom and hold her in that motherly role, explain to her that you are suffering from years of neglect and emotional abuse and just need a mom and would she be that for you.

If I could, I will be your mom.
Don't spend to much time overthink about her. It makes you suffer. You can live without her and make better choices than her.

i'm so sorry. i experienced much the same thing. you will reconcile a lot of this in your 30's, or at least that's when i did.

She might have mental health issues. Sometimes people lose control of their senses.

Because she is a cunt.