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Bikerman051 · 56-60, M
Charlotte · 70-79, F
The following may or may not apply to you. Perhaps you can use something out of an article I wrote. This is just part of it. It's the way I healed from being with a Narcissist. I hope this helps.
Are you desperate to know if there's a way to find peace and happiness after abuse? There is. On three conditions:
1. You leave. You never look back and you never go back.
2. You start loving yourself enough to put your needs first.
3. You never contact your abuser again, nor allow him/her to contact you, in any way, shape, or form. (No kids involved in this example.)
Break those three rules, and you'll never be free. "Insanity is doing the same things over and over again, expecting different results." ~ Albert Einstein
Where there's a will, there's a way. Will it be easy? Physically, pretty much. Emotionally? That depends on the person, what they've gone through up to this point, how strong they are in determination, and the extent of "programming" your abuser has used on you. Is it doable? Yes! I did it. So can you! Find a place of safety. It is possible, like I did, to "disappear". Do your research. It's not hard to disappear, if you really want to. There are a lot of scenarios, depending on your situation. The trick is to plan things out first, keep your head and don't panic, stay as positive as you can, then make your move. There are other ways to approach domestic violence, however, let me emphasize that I am addressing the most violent cases at this time.
What kind of mindset are you in? Have you been so wrapped up in just surviving from day to day, that you have forgotten you can either stay and allow the abuse to continue, or you can set yourself free and survive? No one deserves to be mistreated nor abused. You have rights. You don't have to stay, when there is a way out. Yes, there is, if you'll just try. It's up to you. You have to tap into that inner strength that your abuser has tried to suck out of you. And they will. Abusers will suck the very life and "will" right out of you, if you let them. In fact, that's their goal, so they can have complete control. Forget about ever changing them. They don't WANT to change. The weaker you are, the more angry you are, the more unhappy you are, the more depressed, out of control, frantic, grieved, confused, unstable, the list goes on...the happier your abuser is, and their favorite emotional game, is to keep you confused and guessing until you question your very own sanity! Then they've REALLY got you. Now, you're in their world, and in their world, you are ALWAYS the blame. Whether your response to them is happy OR angry, they love it!! They'll feed off any emotion they can get from you, good or bad, you know why? They've lost their OWN identity, so they feed and copy off your emotions/actions and use them as their own identity. Research "Narcissist" and you'll find that's true.
What you don't realize, is that you didn't deserve ANY of the abuse. You were "groomed" and "conditioned" from the start. You just didn't know it! It never WAS about you. It was all about your abuser wanting complete control. You must get this through your head, and get it good: Men or women who abuse, are INCAPABLE OF LOVING. Their definition of "love" is having total control over their victim. They do not WANT your love, they cannot FEEL your love, although they could get an academy award for their performance as a caring, loving human being. But they're not! They are monsters with as much feeling and heart as a cold trash can. Do not volunteer to be a recipient of abuse. If you stay, that's what your doing. While you didn't ask for, nor want the abuse, if you continue to allow your abuser to control you, it's the same as giving him/her permission to do so. Do yourself a favor. Love yourself enough to realize you deserve more, and to be loved as you deserve. If you don't, nobody will.
Don't beat yourself up. Build yourself up. You had no idea the person you were with, had plans to be dishonest, manipulative, and controlling, so be good to yourself. Cut yourself a break. It simply was not your fault. Tell yourself the truth. When we know the truth, we can then do better. However, if we ignore all the red flags and expect our abuser will soon realize what he or she has done and feel sorry for it, that's when you lose. Game over! Your abuser is incapable of feelings for you. ANY emotions for you. His/her interpretation of "sorry" is they just lost control over you, and never underestimate your opponent's anger issues. You just danced with a sociopath, and trust me...they don't take losing, lightly. Their definition of "feelings", is never the same as yours. They will get revenge, however they choose. They are dangerous people. That's why when a sociopath kills, they feel absolutely nothing but delight to have their power back. After all...in their mind, they are God!
They will use you and abuse you as much as you allow them to. They will suck the life right out of you, but you can change that. You DO have that power. You just have to tap into it. How do you do that? You immediately take control. You CHANGE your perception of things, now that you know the truth. You see it for what it is. You refuse to be a victim. Change your mind, change your life. I know. I did it, and so can YOU! What's past is past! Keep your mind IN the past, and you'll NEVER move forward. That inner child whose been abused for years, needs you desperately, and now you have the chance to rescue her/him. Be strong. People who try are never failures. Help yourself heal. It IS possible to be whole again. Free!! Do you know the difference between happy, successful people, versus sad, depressed people? Happy people make choices that serve their peace and well-being. They never stop trying, and retrain their mind to think positive. They don't focus on the past. They never quit. Make that choice to do better today. Work at staying positive. If one thing doesn't work, then try it another way. I could give you a list of 100 people who tried and didn't succeed the first time, nor the second nor third, but they never gave up. Einstein was one of them. He tried a zillion times, until he finally succeeded. I learned from years of abuse, it's not what happens to us in life, or what we've lost in our journey...it's what we do with what we have left, that counts. I believe in you. Rome wasn't built in a day. Start by taking baby steps. Listen to your heart and body, be gentle with yourself, don't push yourself harder than you can afford, and you're on your way.
Are you desperate to know if there's a way to find peace and happiness after abuse? There is. On three conditions:
1. You leave. You never look back and you never go back.
2. You start loving yourself enough to put your needs first.
3. You never contact your abuser again, nor allow him/her to contact you, in any way, shape, or form. (No kids involved in this example.)
Break those three rules, and you'll never be free. "Insanity is doing the same things over and over again, expecting different results." ~ Albert Einstein
Where there's a will, there's a way. Will it be easy? Physically, pretty much. Emotionally? That depends on the person, what they've gone through up to this point, how strong they are in determination, and the extent of "programming" your abuser has used on you. Is it doable? Yes! I did it. So can you! Find a place of safety. It is possible, like I did, to "disappear". Do your research. It's not hard to disappear, if you really want to. There are a lot of scenarios, depending on your situation. The trick is to plan things out first, keep your head and don't panic, stay as positive as you can, then make your move. There are other ways to approach domestic violence, however, let me emphasize that I am addressing the most violent cases at this time.
What kind of mindset are you in? Have you been so wrapped up in just surviving from day to day, that you have forgotten you can either stay and allow the abuse to continue, or you can set yourself free and survive? No one deserves to be mistreated nor abused. You have rights. You don't have to stay, when there is a way out. Yes, there is, if you'll just try. It's up to you. You have to tap into that inner strength that your abuser has tried to suck out of you. And they will. Abusers will suck the very life and "will" right out of you, if you let them. In fact, that's their goal, so they can have complete control. Forget about ever changing them. They don't WANT to change. The weaker you are, the more angry you are, the more unhappy you are, the more depressed, out of control, frantic, grieved, confused, unstable, the list goes on...the happier your abuser is, and their favorite emotional game, is to keep you confused and guessing until you question your very own sanity! Then they've REALLY got you. Now, you're in their world, and in their world, you are ALWAYS the blame. Whether your response to them is happy OR angry, they love it!! They'll feed off any emotion they can get from you, good or bad, you know why? They've lost their OWN identity, so they feed and copy off your emotions/actions and use them as their own identity. Research "Narcissist" and you'll find that's true.
What you don't realize, is that you didn't deserve ANY of the abuse. You were "groomed" and "conditioned" from the start. You just didn't know it! It never WAS about you. It was all about your abuser wanting complete control. You must get this through your head, and get it good: Men or women who abuse, are INCAPABLE OF LOVING. Their definition of "love" is having total control over their victim. They do not WANT your love, they cannot FEEL your love, although they could get an academy award for their performance as a caring, loving human being. But they're not! They are monsters with as much feeling and heart as a cold trash can. Do not volunteer to be a recipient of abuse. If you stay, that's what your doing. While you didn't ask for, nor want the abuse, if you continue to allow your abuser to control you, it's the same as giving him/her permission to do so. Do yourself a favor. Love yourself enough to realize you deserve more, and to be loved as you deserve. If you don't, nobody will.
Don't beat yourself up. Build yourself up. You had no idea the person you were with, had plans to be dishonest, manipulative, and controlling, so be good to yourself. Cut yourself a break. It simply was not your fault. Tell yourself the truth. When we know the truth, we can then do better. However, if we ignore all the red flags and expect our abuser will soon realize what he or she has done and feel sorry for it, that's when you lose. Game over! Your abuser is incapable of feelings for you. ANY emotions for you. His/her interpretation of "sorry" is they just lost control over you, and never underestimate your opponent's anger issues. You just danced with a sociopath, and trust me...they don't take losing, lightly. Their definition of "feelings", is never the same as yours. They will get revenge, however they choose. They are dangerous people. That's why when a sociopath kills, they feel absolutely nothing but delight to have their power back. After all...in their mind, they are God!
They will use you and abuse you as much as you allow them to. They will suck the life right out of you, but you can change that. You DO have that power. You just have to tap into it. How do you do that? You immediately take control. You CHANGE your perception of things, now that you know the truth. You see it for what it is. You refuse to be a victim. Change your mind, change your life. I know. I did it, and so can YOU! What's past is past! Keep your mind IN the past, and you'll NEVER move forward. That inner child whose been abused for years, needs you desperately, and now you have the chance to rescue her/him. Be strong. People who try are never failures. Help yourself heal. It IS possible to be whole again. Free!! Do you know the difference between happy, successful people, versus sad, depressed people? Happy people make choices that serve their peace and well-being. They never stop trying, and retrain their mind to think positive. They don't focus on the past. They never quit. Make that choice to do better today. Work at staying positive. If one thing doesn't work, then try it another way. I could give you a list of 100 people who tried and didn't succeed the first time, nor the second nor third, but they never gave up. Einstein was one of them. He tried a zillion times, until he finally succeeded. I learned from years of abuse, it's not what happens to us in life, or what we've lost in our journey...it's what we do with what we have left, that counts. I believe in you. Rome wasn't built in a day. Start by taking baby steps. Listen to your heart and body, be gentle with yourself, don't push yourself harder than you can afford, and you're on your way.
FORMERLYbatovn · 56-60, M
there are ways to move on. you have to realize that we are NEVER sposed to be so dependent on any person that we lose our selves. Dont allow that person/relationship to define you. youe the same person you were before, just a little wiser, a little more gunshy and careful and more aware of the reality.....embrace that and dont allow ANYONE to steal your joy
LadyWioness · 56-60, F
thundergirl · 31-35, F
First of all, being normal is overrated.
Secondly, don't ignore the pain. Work through the pain.
Thirdly, I know it seems like a huge painful mess right now, but typically with time, these kinds of things end up getting better.
On an oddly positive note, at least you were fortunate enough to have had someone in your life that at one point brought you great happiness. I think I remember reading somewhere that "To know great love is to know great pain"
Secondly, don't ignore the pain. Work through the pain.
Thirdly, I know it seems like a huge painful mess right now, but typically with time, these kinds of things end up getting better.
On an oddly positive note, at least you were fortunate enough to have had someone in your life that at one point brought you great happiness. I think I remember reading somewhere that "To know great love is to know great pain"
SW-User
To love someone is amazing but when the one that holds the key to your heart is bad for you it's not as easy. You have to figure what is best for you love with sanity or love with insanity... love can hurt but it can also be the most magical thing. But one thing is for sure we never know until we have been there. Listen to your heart.. follow it.. and do what is the best for you as long as you are happy
spandexblue · 36-40, M
SW-User
Well, I think you get the point.
It's a fight of delusion, imagination, confusion, realization, contribution, relation, starvation, submission, communication, revolution, temptation , depression, cognition ... plus *.ness and so on.
The point when words are meaningless, becomes pointless, and then we find ourselves stuck nowhere when we are actually here typing/sitting/standing/lying...
And yeah, as "Grace2016" said that this situation can lead to a bit(very) different feelings when considered with different/extreme situations to different people.
(the body I talk here include the head)I think it's a chemical,which is produced by our body, that caused the infinite loop of connection in our head, as time is served as a factor in this situation,when time passes, our body will stop/reduce its production,this can take months or years. But with certain conditions, this process can be shorter/faster.
Well. there might be a distance to maintain in your situation,
or that, you are not sure whether it's love or not,
and as most have said, something that's called reality, but no one can really define what it is or should be, I think they might mean that there are not much to do about it.
What should we focus here now ?
When the pain is there, try to find out what caused the pain and work with it, either give yourself a new mind-set or try to solve the problem that caused the pain, then you are probably thinking whether it will slip away or not as time goes by. Then should I consider that you don't have enough connection
with them ? Or is there something else that I missed ?
It's a fight of delusion, imagination, confusion, realization, contribution, relation, starvation, submission, communication, revolution, temptation , depression, cognition ... plus *.ness and so on.
The point when words are meaningless, becomes pointless, and then we find ourselves stuck nowhere when we are actually here typing/sitting/standing/lying...
And yeah, as "Grace2016" said that this situation can lead to a bit(very) different feelings when considered with different/extreme situations to different people.
(the body I talk here include the head)I think it's a chemical,which is produced by our body, that caused the infinite loop of connection in our head, as time is served as a factor in this situation,when time passes, our body will stop/reduce its production,this can take months or years. But with certain conditions, this process can be shorter/faster.
Well. there might be a distance to maintain in your situation,
or that, you are not sure whether it's love or not,
and as most have said, something that's called reality, but no one can really define what it is or should be, I think they might mean that there are not much to do about it.
What should we focus here now ?
When the pain is there, try to find out what caused the pain and work with it, either give yourself a new mind-set or try to solve the problem that caused the pain, then you are probably thinking whether it will slip away or not as time goes by. Then should I consider that you don't have enough connection
with them ? Or is there something else that I missed ?
hopefuldreamer · 36-40, F
its tough and its horrible. relationships do not work that way. i know we are often told not to give up on our relationships, work on them etc.But i think no matter how much you work , if they are not your kind of people, they will not be able to connect with you or understand you.In life quantity of people dont matter , quality of people matter.Be with people who allow you to be you and let your spirit free. Be with people who make you feel comfortable and are welcoming. the situation you are talking is toxic, u want them but u dont want them. Accept that no matter how much we try we are not able to connect to some people because we are not meant to.And may be you feeling the vibes of this non connection.At the end..i would like to end with quote "Go where u are celebrated not tolerated".hope you will be fine soon.
Unfortunately, you just deal with it. A little at a time, day by day. Over time, it gets easier, but things may remind you of them every day for the rest of your life. As happy as I am with my boyfriend, I still think of my ex every single day even though I haven't seen nor spoken to her in over 4 years.
BlueMetalChick · 26-30, F