Coralmist · 41-45, F
@acupaday Maybe we could view feelings or events in our lives as 'just there'. Like I've had enormous amounts of shame, abuse and degradation that has left me feeling inhuman. Like near zero esteem. So I subsequently , as you said too, don't feel I deserve joy or happiness. But what if joy is just there, existing, like pain and even evil was....? Then it can be, maybe it's 'ok' to ALSO experience THAT. To just see that view too and feel it. Since it's a thing, a thing that's part of life. 🌷(Then we don't have to put 'deserve' on it too)
acupaday · 46-50, F
@Coralmist An ideal way of existing. Our minds have this thing though. When something traumatic and life altering happens our brain takes note of it. It pays attention because of how the event has sent our fight or flight system into overdrive. It stores it, looking for the next possible occurrence to unfold so it can be triggered sooner in an attempt to protect us. Over time the bits of feeling too much, too quickly set a tone that starts to be seen as the new norm, almost creating a familiar home where a warped sense of contentment can be felt. And as more events build the bricks of that home, you feel more safe within its walls…like you’re exactly where you belong. It’s a prison that’s incredibly hard to break free from because of how fortified your mind and even life experience has made it. But freedom can come. Just takes a lot. A lot, a lot.
Coralmist · 41-45, F
@acupaday It does take a lot....it is the most exhausting work I've ever done. It is sometimes, a nightmare to be in. It's affected every part of my life now, I don't feel enough at a job, as a friend, or in love. It is a VERY despair-filled place to be day in and day out. I actually just concluded what I wrote above to you, in that moment. When you said DESERVE, I thought, of course she deserves it. No matter what. But I couldn't see it for me. Then I removed myself FROM myself for a moment, and I was similar. It's the evil bully narrative InSIDE that says I don't deserve it, not that It's necessarily Truth.
CrazyMusicLover · 31-35
