HAGGTEMIS II SPLASHES DOWN OFF SCOTLAND AS MOONLIGHT GUIDES HEROIC RETURN
In what experts are calling “the most beautifully lit splashdown in history” HAGGTEMIS II has safely returned to Earth, touching down just off the Scottish coast at precisely 1.07am, under the very same moon it spent the last week flying past.
The capsule, gently descending beneath its now world famous teacake marked parachutes, was illuminated entirely by natural moonlight glinting off the silver foil, in a scene described by HASA officials as “cinematic, emotional, and slightly suspiciously perfect.”
All four Hagstronauts have been confirmed safe and well, said to be in the capsule in high spirits, reportedly asking if they can finish the rest of the whisky inventory before undergoing any medical checks.
Despite earlier contact and what appeared to be an escort by the mysterious Haggunaki during re-entry, there was no sign of the whisky shaped craft upon arrival. Officials say they “simply vanished,” leaving behind only unanswered questions…
Recovery teams are now en route, though early reports suggest a pod of curious dolphins, led by one known as Gerald, briefly attempted to claim the capsule as their own before being politely told to "feck off."
HASA has confirmed a full debrief will follow, with early indications suggesting the mission was a complete success, including groundbreaking discoveries such as The moon is actually a gassy giant, exactly as round as previously thought (apart from the back), Teacakes remain structurally sound in zero gravity and whisky still tastes class on the other side of the Moon.
More updates to follow as Scotland welcomes its four finest space faring haggis home
