For Reggie Perrin Fans..available in the Grot Shop

Tom’s wine
Dr. Snurd’s pictures of the Algarve
tasteless puddings
square hoops
stringless guitars
clangerless bells
lightweight weights
unstrung tennis rackets
empty biscuit tins
doorless birdcages
broken crockery
breakable cricket balls
silent LPs: ("including
'We Aren’t The Champions';
'You’ll Always Walk Alone';
'Songs From A Trappist Monastery'")
upright models of the
Leaning Tower of Pisa
leaning models of the Eiffel Tower
bottomless ashtrays
square footballs
round dice
innocuous white pill:
("they have no side-effects, there's no
need to keep them out of the reach of
children, and Catholics can take them").
insoluble suppositories
oversize eggcups
cruet sets with no holes
blank books
fattening foods:
("for masochists on diets")
useless car stickers
(including ‘We’ve been to the shop that
sells car stickers', 'We haven't been
anywhere', 'This sticker doesn't stick')
rungless ladders
Dutch-Dutch dictionaries
pianos with no keys
non-stick glue
LP ‘Laryngitis In 30 Lands’: ("featuring
the silence of Max Bygraves, Des
O’ Connor, the Bay City Rollers, the
Sex Pistols and Rolf Harris")
rubber razor blades:
("for nervous shavers")
porous waterbeds
heat-resistant saucepans
Teas-Not-Made
mousetraps made entirely of cheese
elastic tow-ropes
cheque books for the Dogger Bank
tins of melted snow
self-lowering flour
empty cardboard boxes
Jimmy’s Guess-what-it’s-for machine
dentures for pets
edible furniture