My Worst Fears

Anyone who knows me, here or in my actual life, would understand why I fear being murdered. I'd rather not go into those reasons here except to say they are very real.

For that reason, I became an insomniac as a kid and never got over it. It usually takes me about 2-3 hours to get to sleep, sometimes longer. I guess I'm afraid that if I fall asleep I may never wake up. I fear I'll be murdered in my sleep. Of course, that's not my worst fear. My worst fear is that I'll be taken prisoner by my mother's people and tortured for days and then killed. At this point, most of my mother's people (the old Soviet dominated CP) are dead as is the powerful organization she belonged to back in the day. I have little or probably nothing to fear from them anymore but my mind refuses to believe it. On some days, and nights, I feel like Herbert Philbrick, the real life hero of the old TV series I Led Three Lives.

At one point, about 10 years ago, I had a discussion with a highly placed FBI man (I happened to meet him socially) about this and he assured me I was safe from my mother's old CP people. And I do believe I am safe now. But my body and mind refuse to accept it and at night, as soon as the sun goes down, I feel endangered. I believe this is the root of my insomnia and extreme fears at night. I probably need a psychiatrist but would find it very hard to talk about it fearing that somehow it would stir up serious trouble for me.

I would greatly appreciate any comments or advice from anyone here who understands my situation and/or has had any experience with this sort of situation or with the old Soviet dominated CP.