[i]Hello to the little king chaos, Dream king in a hall of mirrors and a palace of sand[/i]
We all wear masks to safeguard ourselves from a world that only seems capable of judging us from face value. Perhaps having control over the small bit of chaos that we occupy is what makes us feel secure - at least that is what I used to believe.
I believe of myself that I have always been good at hiding from people by allowing them to see what they wanted to see. Give them enough control of the narrative, and the world becomes their own little kingdom in which they would always remain sovereign - and they would always see the world in a way that fits with what they have always known. And yet, I always saw this as a wilful illusion - one which I would not alter simply because it suited me.
And this creates a loneliness in which you remain unseen. I had realised my need to escape that world, because it's not one in which I am living, just acting.
But with you - from the moment I met you - I had no desire to do so. In a way, I recognised in you a way of looking at that world that didn't demand everything to adhere to a narrow view of events. From when I first met you, I saw someone that felt the need to question the state of the world that others would accept.
Though the attraction may have started there, years of knowing each other built trust that I felt towards no-one else. And with you I felt I could be more honest than with anyone else. I may not say everything that is on my mind, not for a lack of trust, but rather because it takes time for me to make sense of the thoughts for myself.
In a way, it is ridiculous that I had kept the most important feeling from you - of how much you had always meant to me. At least I hope that I have been honest enough to show you how much you mean to me now, and how it so much more than it was before.
You have said that it is terrifying to let someone see this much of you - to see the "ugliness"; yet in all that I had discovered about you, what I had discovered had never made me want to turn away from you.
It only completed the picture of someone I see as beautiful, and my feeling towards you remained unchanged. In fact, it only grew stronger, and stronger still when I could finally share with you the what I had placed here.
I want you in my life because I have never been afraid to give you all of me, or to see all of you.
I would always accept you as you are because I love you, and as ever, I remain captivated by you.
What I fell in love with was the person, not the stories you had to tell. Remove all of that, and you are still you. You are still the person I fell in love with long ago, even when you were far away
