The mess inside my brain is getting louder. (Might be triggering for self harm)
Hey again, for anyone who remembers me,
I have been an unreliable friend for most of the friends I have here, because I come and go suddenly, just like that... depending on my mental health status.
Today, something happened. Way too unexpected...
As I have mentioned in many of my posts, I have bipolar 2, and had over 4 episodes of mild to severe depression, each of them lasting over 07 months... and started taking treatement on only the 5th episode. With the help of many of you here. This was last year.
My depression was getting better and I was doing overall great... till my mood started dipping these past weeks.
This morning, I was doing a mundane activity, but was public, and my mind started swirling. I started getting anxioux and restless and needed to silence the noises in my head in order to appear normal to the public eye, instead of fidgeting or pacing or whatever.
I dig my nails into my palms, hard and there is a hint of clarity. Then I did it to my forearms, and the skin is thinner so the sting is stronger with little power and the noises become subdued before the silence washes over. I suddenly started seeing the things in front of me in a much clearer view. So I did it over and over and over and stronger each time till there were many marks (that eventually lasted for hours).
And when there was more pain than relief I realized something: is it how it feels when people self harm...? Have I reached that pit. But I was fine, not too long ago, so what the fuck did just happen.
I remember it happened once last year, but it was a sting that shushedmy brain but I immediately stopped and was scared panicked which encouraged me to start taking meds.
But now...? I kind of wanna do it again. Not now, nor later. But I don't regret it, and I am not as scared.
And this very thought scares me so fucking much. Like... a lot. I barely recognize myself.
I am telling my therapist this story in my next appointment, but until then... I'll keep feeling empty instead of something else... something dangerous.
I have been an unreliable friend for most of the friends I have here, because I come and go suddenly, just like that... depending on my mental health status.
Today, something happened. Way too unexpected...
As I have mentioned in many of my posts, I have bipolar 2, and had over 4 episodes of mild to severe depression, each of them lasting over 07 months... and started taking treatement on only the 5th episode. With the help of many of you here. This was last year.
My depression was getting better and I was doing overall great... till my mood started dipping these past weeks.
This morning, I was doing a mundane activity, but was public, and my mind started swirling. I started getting anxioux and restless and needed to silence the noises in my head in order to appear normal to the public eye, instead of fidgeting or pacing or whatever.
I dig my nails into my palms, hard and there is a hint of clarity. Then I did it to my forearms, and the skin is thinner so the sting is stronger with little power and the noises become subdued before the silence washes over. I suddenly started seeing the things in front of me in a much clearer view. So I did it over and over and over and stronger each time till there were many marks (that eventually lasted for hours).
And when there was more pain than relief I realized something: is it how it feels when people self harm...? Have I reached that pit. But I was fine, not too long ago, so what the fuck did just happen.
I remember it happened once last year, but it was a sting that shushedmy brain but I immediately stopped and was scared panicked which encouraged me to start taking meds.
But now...? I kind of wanna do it again. Not now, nor later. But I don't regret it, and I am not as scared.
And this very thought scares me so fucking much. Like... a lot. I barely recognize myself.
I am telling my therapist this story in my next appointment, but until then... I'll keep feeling empty instead of something else... something dangerous.
26-30, F
