I need to make friends,in my real non online life.
My closest friend moved towns begining of this year for work but if I'm being honest with myself,which I don't want to be because honesty hurts,we weren't that close,not as close as I pretend in my head. The truth is I don't have friends. The only real friend I had was my boyfriend and now that we're dating he doesn't count as a friend. With him moving to another town my only form of external socialization is gone. I have no emotional support system outside of my boyfriend and my sister. The truth is I'm sad.
Growing up I took friends for granted. It's easy to make friends when you're surrounded by people but I don't work so I don't meet people in that way. I'm moving next year to attend university again so I am hopeful that I will be able to find friends there, despite being a 27 year old undergraduate 🤦🏿♀️. I used to have a best friend, we met when we were 9 and we hit it off. By the time we were in highschool we were best friends. I put all my eggs in that relationship but it was toxic and codependent. I was consumed with her. I resisted trusting other people and getting close to them. I figured by putting in all the time with her I'd never have to be alone. We bonded over a fear of abandonment. When I was 13 my friends and classmates turned on me because a girl in my class whom I thought was my friend framed me for a gossip account on Facebook "spilling tea" on fellow students. Everyone but her turned on me. Being abandoned and ostracized like that changed me at my core. I turned against the idea of trusting other people and getting close to them. As long as I had her I had all the friends I needed. I carried that attitude all the way until I was a few months shy of 25. See codependent relationships are structured in a way where one person takes more than they give and the other gives more than they take. The truth is if I hadn't held on for as long as I did the friendship would have died a lot earlier. She had an undiagnosed personality disorder, avoidant personality disorder.
It's not her fault that she was a bad friend,she grew up inside of a trauma that made her that way. She just didn't have the skills necessary to be a good friend and by the time our friendship ended she had been diagnosed and was in treatment. She was the one who opened my eyes to how unhealthy our friendship was and how badly she had been treating me. She apologized for behaviours I never held her accountable for because I knew even without the diagnosis that she had a mental illness. I adapted to her cold nature. I got used to unanswered texts and calls but I never stopped trying. And all the while every friend I made or met I neglected for this one friendship that had consumed me.
It's been over 2 years now and I'm still dealing with the effects of my bad decisions. I hurt people who tried to get close to me because I was so afraid of being alone I stayed in a relationship where I was alone. It's not healthy,fair, or wise for me to rely solely on my boyfriend and sister for socialisation. I need to be proactive. I'm thinking of joining tinder,setting my preference to women and stating that I'm looking for friends. I've heard of that working for some people.
If you made it this far thank you for listening.
Growing up I took friends for granted. It's easy to make friends when you're surrounded by people but I don't work so I don't meet people in that way. I'm moving next year to attend university again so I am hopeful that I will be able to find friends there, despite being a 27 year old undergraduate 🤦🏿♀️. I used to have a best friend, we met when we were 9 and we hit it off. By the time we were in highschool we were best friends. I put all my eggs in that relationship but it was toxic and codependent. I was consumed with her. I resisted trusting other people and getting close to them. I figured by putting in all the time with her I'd never have to be alone. We bonded over a fear of abandonment. When I was 13 my friends and classmates turned on me because a girl in my class whom I thought was my friend framed me for a gossip account on Facebook "spilling tea" on fellow students. Everyone but her turned on me. Being abandoned and ostracized like that changed me at my core. I turned against the idea of trusting other people and getting close to them. As long as I had her I had all the friends I needed. I carried that attitude all the way until I was a few months shy of 25. See codependent relationships are structured in a way where one person takes more than they give and the other gives more than they take. The truth is if I hadn't held on for as long as I did the friendship would have died a lot earlier. She had an undiagnosed personality disorder, avoidant personality disorder.
It's not her fault that she was a bad friend,she grew up inside of a trauma that made her that way. She just didn't have the skills necessary to be a good friend and by the time our friendship ended she had been diagnosed and was in treatment. She was the one who opened my eyes to how unhealthy our friendship was and how badly she had been treating me. She apologized for behaviours I never held her accountable for because I knew even without the diagnosis that she had a mental illness. I adapted to her cold nature. I got used to unanswered texts and calls but I never stopped trying. And all the while every friend I made or met I neglected for this one friendship that had consumed me.
It's been over 2 years now and I'm still dealing with the effects of my bad decisions. I hurt people who tried to get close to me because I was so afraid of being alone I stayed in a relationship where I was alone. It's not healthy,fair, or wise for me to rely solely on my boyfriend and sister for socialisation. I need to be proactive. I'm thinking of joining tinder,setting my preference to women and stating that I'm looking for friends. I've heard of that working for some people.
If you made it this far thank you for listening.
