Can a 12 year old girl date a 16 year old boy if there is nothing sexual or that touchy going on?
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You are, you say, twelve years old. You have no business dating anyone, and no self-respecting sixteen-year-old who has any business dating anyone would consider dating a kid in elementary school. All it would take is one incident or one accusation to destroy their life and yours. Decent people don't take risks like that.
Get your head out of fantasyland. Dating, romance, and sex are not a game. They are very adult activities that come with serious and lasting complications that change the lives of many people beyond those who toy with them. This is stuff only adults should have to deal with and are even halfway equipped to deal with. Even considering dating at your age is an indicator of how little life experience you have and how much you shouldn't be dating. Dating and the associated drama are only a blessing when it's the right time in your life and when you have developed the experience, skills, and maturity to handle yourself as an adult. Until you've gotten that far, keep working on yourself and keep things platonic.
You are a child. Leave romance for when you are older. There will be a season for that, but you have years left to go before that time properly comes. You will be healthier and happier for it.
Why hasn’t he found a girl his own age to date?
That’s the question you should be asking yourself.
He’s well into high school, after all. He’s surrounded by girls in his grade who’ve had similar experiences to him. He could talk to them about what’s going on the classes they share, the lunchroom gossip and who’s doing well on whatever school sports team this year. He can talk to them about which colleges they’re going to apply for next year. Those girls are also more physically developed, likely more confident in themselves, and have had a greater range of experiences and learned more at school. So how is it that he’s turned to you, someone three years younger, still in middle school?
He may tell you he likes you because you’re more mature than other girls. He may say that you’re advanced for your age. “You’re great to talk to because you’re so much smarter than the other girls I know.”
Etc. Etc.
Of course, it’s more likely that he’s interested in you for the opposite reason: that you’re so much younger than him. Because he can talk to you about what’s on his mind and knows that everything he says will sound impressive and mature.
What he likes is that he has a learner’s permit and can take you places, but there’s no way for you to get home on your own. He can call the shots about where to go, when to get there. And you’ll leave when he’s ready.
What he likes is that you find him mature and sweet, like it’s a gift that he’s even interested in you.
It’s a power thing.
Now, maybe he likes that because he’s pretty immature, himself. The girls his own age make him nervous. He needs to feel like he has some kind of natural advantage over a girl or he can’t find his own voice. You seem safe because you’re easily impressed (compared to his 16-yo peers), and because an older boyfriend is a status symbol with your friends: you’re proud of dating him and he really likes that feeling. He doesn’t have to be a ‘bad person’ for the unequal power dynamics to be a bad thing for both of you.
That is the best-case scenario. The worst-case scenario is… well, that he likes that power because he absolutely plans to abuse it. I note your use of language in your question: he doesn’t force you to do inappropriate things. But that sounds as though you’ve done a few things but don’t feel forced? I hope I’m reading too much into this!
I’ll add that when I was in high school, there was one older boy dating a middle-schooler. The other boys thought that was weird, and whenever he brought it up they were very uncomfortable. Several of them said to his face that it was creepy. Just asking you to consider it from his peers’ perspective and not your peers’ perspective.
The rule of thumb is to take the older person’s age, halve it, and add seven to find out the youngest age they could ethically date. So: 16 / 2 = 8. Add 7 and that’s 15. You’d need to be two years older to be in range — hence my hardlining answer. This isn’t science, but it does tend to be what most consider acceptable. By the same math, you could date a twelve-year-old but not anyone younger. Your boyfriend dating you is as strange as you wanting to date an eleven-year-old.
I hope you ask him to wait to date you until you’re older (the above math means that you could happily date when you’re 16 and he’s 19).
Last but not least, another thing my students had issues grasping and I really remember feeling the same way when I was your age. There will be so many opportunities to meet and date people: this is NOT your ‘only chance’ for love. It can feel that way when you’ve grown up in the same town and not moved around much, but just going to college will introduce you to hundreds of new people who might interest you! This moment is not the be-all, end-all. It’s okay to wait for someone who seems nice and interesting but is closer to your own age, too.
You are, you say, twelve years old. You have no business dating anyone, and no self-respecting sixteen-year-old who has any business dating anyone would consider dating a kid in elementary school. All it would take is one incident or one accusation to destroy their life and yours. Decent people don't take risks like that.
Get your head out of fantasyland. Dating, romance, and sex are not a game. They are very adult activities that come with serious and lasting complications that change the lives of many people beyond those who toy with them. This is stuff only adults should have to deal with and are even halfway equipped to deal with. Even considering dating at your age is an indicator of how little life experience you have and how much you shouldn't be dating. Dating and the associated drama are only a blessing when it's the right time in your life and when you have developed the experience, skills, and maturity to handle yourself as an adult. Until you've gotten that far, keep working on yourself and keep things platonic.
You are a child. Leave romance for when you are older. There will be a season for that, but you have years left to go before that time properly comes. You will be healthier and happier for it.
Why hasn’t he found a girl his own age to date?
That’s the question you should be asking yourself.
He’s well into high school, after all. He’s surrounded by girls in his grade who’ve had similar experiences to him. He could talk to them about what’s going on the classes they share, the lunchroom gossip and who’s doing well on whatever school sports team this year. He can talk to them about which colleges they’re going to apply for next year. Those girls are also more physically developed, likely more confident in themselves, and have had a greater range of experiences and learned more at school. So how is it that he’s turned to you, someone three years younger, still in middle school?
He may tell you he likes you because you’re more mature than other girls. He may say that you’re advanced for your age. “You’re great to talk to because you’re so much smarter than the other girls I know.”
Etc. Etc.
Of course, it’s more likely that he’s interested in you for the opposite reason: that you’re so much younger than him. Because he can talk to you about what’s on his mind and knows that everything he says will sound impressive and mature.
What he likes is that he has a learner’s permit and can take you places, but there’s no way for you to get home on your own. He can call the shots about where to go, when to get there. And you’ll leave when he’s ready.
What he likes is that you find him mature and sweet, like it’s a gift that he’s even interested in you.
It’s a power thing.
Now, maybe he likes that because he’s pretty immature, himself. The girls his own age make him nervous. He needs to feel like he has some kind of natural advantage over a girl or he can’t find his own voice. You seem safe because you’re easily impressed (compared to his 16-yo peers), and because an older boyfriend is a status symbol with your friends: you’re proud of dating him and he really likes that feeling. He doesn’t have to be a ‘bad person’ for the unequal power dynamics to be a bad thing for both of you.
That is the best-case scenario. The worst-case scenario is… well, that he likes that power because he absolutely plans to abuse it. I note your use of language in your question: he doesn’t force you to do inappropriate things. But that sounds as though you’ve done a few things but don’t feel forced? I hope I’m reading too much into this!
I’ll add that when I was in high school, there was one older boy dating a middle-schooler. The other boys thought that was weird, and whenever he brought it up they were very uncomfortable. Several of them said to his face that it was creepy. Just asking you to consider it from his peers’ perspective and not your peers’ perspective.
The rule of thumb is to take the older person’s age, halve it, and add seven to find out the youngest age they could ethically date. So: 16 / 2 = 8. Add 7 and that’s 15. You’d need to be two years older to be in range — hence my hardlining answer. This isn’t science, but it does tend to be what most consider acceptable. By the same math, you could date a twelve-year-old but not anyone younger. Your boyfriend dating you is as strange as you wanting to date an eleven-year-old.
I hope you ask him to wait to date you until you’re older (the above math means that you could happily date when you’re 16 and he’s 19).
Last but not least, another thing my students had issues grasping and I really remember feeling the same way when I was your age. There will be so many opportunities to meet and date people: this is NOT your ‘only chance’ for love. It can feel that way when you’ve grown up in the same town and not moved around much, but just going to college will introduce you to hundreds of new people who might interest you! This moment is not the be-all, end-all. It’s okay to wait for someone who seems nice and interesting but is closer to your own age, too.
31-35, F
