I'm gonna be vulnerable for a second

I was going back and forth on posting this with the right words. Whatever "right" means but it's raw and that's all it needs to be.

Just speaking on moments with swampflower because I need a place for it to land.

I miss you every passing day. One of the things I hold so dearly in my heart is when you told me I was your best friend and for thanking me for getting to experience this once in your life. It makes me sad you didn't have this earlier but I'm happy you have family around you💙

I also cherish the details you shared with me that you hadn't told anyone outside of your family and some thoughts you hadn't even told family. That trust means so much to me. It's the most human thing people can do for each other. I felt honoured getting to know you to the extent I have. Following your journey taught me a lot. I wish we got to know each other earlier but alas life does it own thing sometimes and I'm grateful for crossing paths at all.

You gave me so much back. Knowing I could even be the slightest bit of friend you were to me is something I'll always treasure. We talked every single day and I can feel that void so deeply and grieve for you silently (when I can) but heavily. The grief comes suddenly and stays with me. I wish things were different and we could've met because I know I would when I could. I know you already know all this.

It's not often I make connections like this on SW. Then I stumbled across you and you exuded the kinda love and space only the purest do.

SW feels like a place of grief for me now, despite trying to use it as I once did. Maybe a temporary feeling of outgrowing it in some ways too. I think I'll take a break. It's good to step back and revaluate.

My heart is broken and grieving feels isolating because even if some of my family knew of her, they didn't know her. I feel like I have to mask it and let it out on my own.

I know I'm in that weird transitional place where I'm having to now find my feet with other components of my life that I don't talk about on here. There's a lot of uncertainty, it's so scary. I've downplayed a lot and it's catching up to me. I owe it to myself to try. The grief is another layer of hurt.

There's ways to honour her that I've discussed with her before which I may share in the future if it feels right at the time. I know so many of you cared about her. I'm riding waves I can't quite grasp yet and I think I need the quiet.

Last Ramadan I did something for her that I know meant a lot for both of us that i'll continue to do every year. It feels sacred to me and I know she had an appreciation for it because we both shared a similar practice but with different names.

Some people may downplay online friends but it was something deeply felt by me. She became immersed in the everydayness of my life.
The kinda friend that knew context without me having to start from the beginning. The cultural resonance, mutual respect, similar family dynamics, shared life views, vulnerability, the sense of humour. She was so damn funny lol, the sassy side too.. relatable lol. Not to mention a heart of gold. A beautiful light that truly deserved so much more.

The inside jokes still make me laugh sometimes. I could switch my brain off with her and be a complete dumbass and weirdo. It felt like we were both two playful kids and two curious adults, a safe space for the multitudes. I learned a lot along the way. I will still carry that sense of wonder. The lighter, kinder and loving space.

I still read over our texts and listen to the voice notes which feel bittersweet. I know I'm still holding onto a semblance of what we had. It hits harder when something happens in my life, big or small, I see something that reminds me of her or something that makes me laugh and my immediate thought is "omg I've gotta show her this"

I miss hearing from her and I miss reaching out. I connected with her so organically. Time continues but moments with you stay with me. One of the last things she said to me was "I love you so much I hope you know you're my angel" 😢 I thanked her for everything and she thanked me back.

This has hit me harder than I even truly show. I love you and thank you for being a beautiful and meaningful light in my life. For giving me memories I'll always look back on. I'll always remember you and talk about you, I promise💙 @SwampFlower