What advice would you give me...

So iv been close friends with this guy for about 7 months. I have feelings or him and basically he said likes me too but he is not ready for a relationship. So right now we are friends with benefits. I found it hard to be friends with benefits about 2 months ago so I cut him off after an argument and we didn't speak for 3 weeks. I found that really hard and I just didn't seem to be happy without being friends with him. I then apologised and we are close friends again, except we still kiss and stuff. The past 2/3 weeks I have just accepted being friends with benefits because I really don't want to lose him as a friend again (but we both find it hard to just chill without kissing/cuddling ect). Right now I feel is it as if I can be close friends with him (plus benefits) or not friends at all, because it is hard for me to hang out with him/have deep conversations and block out my feelings/affection for him. I cant wait for him to be ready for a relationship because that might be years, but I know I deserve better than to just be 'friend with benefits' (he is a really nice person don't get me wrong). I don't know what to do because I tried cutting him off and I thought that would help but I missed him as a friend so much.
What should I do?? x

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Adaydreambeliever · 56-60, F

And there you show exactly how most women feel most of the time.. It's not impossible for women to be friends with benefits but pretty much it tends to be a short term thing because we find it harder to operate in sex without feelings.. if we don't feel we don't have the motivation to have sex..

You are about a million years younger than me but your description of why it stopped working for you is the same as I experienced.. I had a friend with benefits - he was probably one of the best lovers I had..way better than most.. but one day, I just thought.. you will never be mine.. and that was it.. I couldn't enjoy it after that as I had to switch feelings off.. and indeed,the more I did that the more I couldn't feel or enjoy... There's no higher high than having sex with someone you love and who is equally into you..

Sadly when a guy says he's not ready, he usually means not ready to be with you :( It might be that eventually he would come to see you as more but it will be a risk..

You do deserve better and while I can totally understand why you keep him around because not having him around is worse.. the trouble is that in some ways while you continue to provide what he wants you are enabling him to get what he wants without a relationship..

It's tough! And its not for me to say what you should do.. but ask yourself this... IS he providing the friends element as well or is it really jsut meeting for sex?

thatgirllllll · 26-30

@Adaydreambeliever How did you manage to switch your feelings off? did you remain friends with him? And this guy said that if he was ready for a relationship he would be with me, but he said if we were together it would not last because he does not feel ready.
The period I mentioned where we stopped talking I was going through a lot and didn't feel I could tell anyone and the day we finally met up and became friends again he really came through for me and listened/made me feel better. That's what makes it even harder because he genuinely is a great friend to me, we are not just friends with me for the sexual things we do. Thanks for your help x

Adaydreambeliever · 56-60, F

@thatgirllllll the sexual feelings switched off that day when I knew he wouldn't be mine.. of course I always hoped he would change his mind but I knew fwb had to end.. I avoided him for a long time.. then when we met up I made it clear it was just friends.. (sex we can get anywhere!) and we did stay friends for a long time after that.. I probably did always still want more but not giving the sex allowed me to look elsewhere.. I have to confess thinking about it.. I think that in the end I stopped being friends with him too.. because I couldn't really forgive him for not wanting a relationship/

I can see how you feel in a dilemma.. you enjoy being with him, enjoy your friendship.. and the benefits.. but you enjoy the benefits mainly because you care for him more than just as a friend...

I guess the next question is.. do you enjoy the benefits or does it make you sad.. you don't have to answer me just answer yourself.. if it makes you sad, if you regret it every time you do it... then you have to stop.. You can stay friends but try being stronger and resisting the sex? Or do the sex but mentally accept that for whatever reason he isn't going to be in a relationship with you at the moment.. try dating other people

thatgirllllll · 26-30

@Adaydreambeliever You had a really similar situation to me then, I do still hope he will change his mind but deep down I know that wont happen. Do you remember how long you avoided him for? I did try that for a month and I was not happy. And yes, that is exactly how I feel.
And I do enjoy the benefits because I have feelings for him, I guess I am just not happy in the situation because there is no commitment and I have to always remember to not have expectations from him because he is not my boyfriend. I will try resisting the sexual things we do, thanks x

Adaydreambeliever · 56-60, F

@thatgirllllll I think it was a year :P It was hard.. of course.. but I met other people and that was a nice distraction.. He actually moved nearer me, but still I didn't see him.. It would have been hard otherwise as it IS a loss when you have someone you really like and like being friends with too.. to be without them..

Don't be too hard on yourself though if you can't resist.. maybe it will be a process where you allow that less and less... I think that's what I did before I started to avoid him..

thatgirllllll · 26-30

@Adaydreambeliever wow a year, well done for managing that haha!
Yeah I do hope soon I will find the strength to allow it less and less and even if that means not being as close with him as a friend :( ....thank you so much for your advice! xx