The last friend I had really put me off finding friends.

We met at a party and got along, then I saw her again because she worked at a sleep clinic I started going to. We were the same age and she was a single mom too. She was cool, kinda crazy, we hit it off.

Only months after meeting her she found out she had breast cancer. I went to the party her family threw for her to shave her head. I cooked her and her kids meals a few days a week, started a GoFundMe and raised thousands for her to pay her bills because she was missing work, I checked in on her every day. At one point she asked me to take her kids if she didn't make it.

I know she was going through a lot, but she was mean to her kids. One time we were all in her car, she was driving, and she almost wrecked us trying to hit her daughter in the back of the car 😣 I found out not long after that she would pick on my clothes to other people. She consistently joked about me wearing gym shorts, which wasn't the worst, except she did so behind my back.

The last straw was another friend's wedding. Her ex was at the wedding too and I was sat between them for the reception. I know she had a few drinks, but she pulled me aside and started ranting at me, about her ex and I hooking up...

I would not touch her ex. First of all, I wouldn't do that to a friend. Second, she told me how awful and selfish he was, everyone knew it, I wouldn't of gone near him.

She was yelling at me and accusing me. Then would say but it's fine if you really love him. I ended up going outside to get a break from it and my ex bf walked out to my van. He was drunk and probably took some acid or molly so he started yelling at me so I left.

She bothered me through text for a few days. She was truly convinced I was screwing her ex and wouldn't believe me when I assured her I would never do that. Eventually I stopped talking to her. It was extremely insulting and the fact she wouldn't believe I was being an honest friend to her really hurt.

Knowing she would talk behind my back, I had to assume I was losing my other friends too. I don't do drama, I simply remove myself from it.

So I gave up on all of them. And nobody made sure I was okay, nobody reached out, so I just lost touch. My ex bf was the only one that kept contacting me, and he has been playing with my head for the last few years.

I haven't ventured into friendship with anyone since. I'm afraid. I'm put off. I don't feel safe.

Most of the time I don't even care that I have no friends. I've felt for years now that other people make life so much harder. You give and give and they still have nothing nice to say about you.

Some days I do wish for one friend, maybe two or three. I like my circle small.

I meet people I like, I just don't trust that they actually like me. I can't put too much effort in or I'll get drained. I give little gifts but I also know they're weird. I'm too weird. Too real. And nobody ever believes in me.