Still no friends.
I have a habit of gifting expensive things to people who I seemingly get along with and care about to show my appreciation of them. I want to have real friends, but I find myself being taken advantage of whether it's intentional or not. I've always been someone to be overly generous and kind.
The last item I gave someone who I thought we had a connection was their first gaming computer that I built for them. I know they wanted to get into PC gaming for the past year that I've known them and they finally got the opportunity to do so. Prior to this, I have given away a laptop and another desktop computer to help another friend who was getting into programming and was going to school at the time.
The thing is, prior to this, I barely get any replies outside of work and communication is pretty much nonexistent. I met most of the people who I thought I got along with well at work since that's where I spend most of my time at anyway. RIP work life balance.
I noticed that the people I meet don't really see me as their friend outside of work. I go out of my way for them, look the other way when they are on the hot seat, and spoil them by buying them lunch on the regular and trying to make their work hours a little easier to bare by taking on extra load for them.
I listen to them at work when they come to me about troubles outside of work. Give them encouragement, and cheer them on on their successes. I do a lot of things, things I wish someone would do for me.
As an adult, I find it impossible to make any friends whether I was broke or well off, no one really took the time to get to know me. My friends from my childhood whom I still keep in contact with are now starting to become the same kind of people.
People who are more than willing to accept gifts and good will but I become nonexistent to them if I stop giving parts of myself to them. If I just stop, wait, and listen... my world is completely silent and empty.
I do not bare ill will. I was always the one willing to forgive even if they betray my trust or hurt me over the years. My doors were always open. But the door goes both ways. They can easily walk in and out of my life, just like that. I don't believe anyone when they tell me they care, while at the same time keeping me around out of their convenience. I've been told a lot of empty promises and lies that I have become numb to it all.
True friends don't exist.
It became apparent when I became ill recently. Not one of my friends even cared to reach out to me while I was at the hospital. When my life turned upside down, facing the ground the last thoughts I believed were final was if my friends would even care if this was it for me? Will they even notice if I'm gone?
I've had many close calls before, and each time I find myself alone. At my lowest, clinging onto life. Rebuilding my life I realize that it was all me. I didn't need anyone to tell me those things I thought I needed to hear. Words of encouragement, caring and kind words that are alien to me at this point.
I never had a true friend.
The only time I am remembered these days for being technically inclined and for tech support calls. I guess in the end of the day, it really does come down to what you have to offer otherwise you don't exist to people.
The last item I gave someone who I thought we had a connection was their first gaming computer that I built for them. I know they wanted to get into PC gaming for the past year that I've known them and they finally got the opportunity to do so. Prior to this, I have given away a laptop and another desktop computer to help another friend who was getting into programming and was going to school at the time.
The thing is, prior to this, I barely get any replies outside of work and communication is pretty much nonexistent. I met most of the people who I thought I got along with well at work since that's where I spend most of my time at anyway. RIP work life balance.
I noticed that the people I meet don't really see me as their friend outside of work. I go out of my way for them, look the other way when they are on the hot seat, and spoil them by buying them lunch on the regular and trying to make their work hours a little easier to bare by taking on extra load for them.
I listen to them at work when they come to me about troubles outside of work. Give them encouragement, and cheer them on on their successes. I do a lot of things, things I wish someone would do for me.
As an adult, I find it impossible to make any friends whether I was broke or well off, no one really took the time to get to know me. My friends from my childhood whom I still keep in contact with are now starting to become the same kind of people.
People who are more than willing to accept gifts and good will but I become nonexistent to them if I stop giving parts of myself to them. If I just stop, wait, and listen... my world is completely silent and empty.
I do not bare ill will. I was always the one willing to forgive even if they betray my trust or hurt me over the years. My doors were always open. But the door goes both ways. They can easily walk in and out of my life, just like that. I don't believe anyone when they tell me they care, while at the same time keeping me around out of their convenience. I've been told a lot of empty promises and lies that I have become numb to it all.
True friends don't exist.
It became apparent when I became ill recently. Not one of my friends even cared to reach out to me while I was at the hospital. When my life turned upside down, facing the ground the last thoughts I believed were final was if my friends would even care if this was it for me? Will they even notice if I'm gone?
I've had many close calls before, and each time I find myself alone. At my lowest, clinging onto life. Rebuilding my life I realize that it was all me. I didn't need anyone to tell me those things I thought I needed to hear. Words of encouragement, caring and kind words that are alien to me at this point.
I never had a true friend.
The only time I am remembered these days for being technically inclined and for tech support calls. I guess in the end of the day, it really does come down to what you have to offer otherwise you don't exist to people.
