Childhood friend doesn't remember me

When I was 6 years old a neighbor moved in next door with a young girl my age. We became best friends, we did EVERYTHING together for almost 2 years. We were in the same class, went to the same after school program, camp. We were basically inseparable. Even would go to the bathroom at the same time to get out of gym. Our childhoods were far from the 'best' (not going to go into great detail here) but we both came from very abusive households and was very traumatic.

One day I was told that her grandparents took her away from her mom from another state. I never bonded with another friend like her again.... Due to how traumatic and unexplained of why she left every few months for over 15 years I've dreamed about her and vivid memories we shared together as friendship and always wondered if she was ok.....

I finally went back to the housing we stayed at (very traumatic place and so I've avoided it for along time...) and saw her address; and started searching it, and found the reason why I could never find her was I was spelling her last name wrong the entire time (very unique last name) - I message her today when I found her....

She tells me it's been so long ago, and that she doesn't remember much from living with her mom. I showed her some of the pictures I have (sadly I don't have some of us together) and some of the memories, she started to get pieces together... but again... doesn't really remember me....

Due to my own childhood trauma; she was probably the only beaker in a few years of happiness I had. I never did make another true friend after her. I also understand trauma can cause you to block out memories.

I'm worried about pushing it and showing her too much and triggering some ptsd she's blocking..... but also sad she doesn't remember me when she was such an important part of my life.

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hartfire · 61-69

I doubt that helping her recall a good part of her life would trigger her memories of traumas. I think it would be more likely to be beneficial.

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Memories are associative: good with the circumstances in which in occurred, and bad with its circumstances.

While it's true that trauma can block out memories - the resurfacing of such memories in adulthood can be extremely helpful for therapy. EMDR works very effectively for PTSD, usually within 3 to 9 sessions for each major specific event. If a certain type of trauma occurred many times, it's only necessary to use the EMDR for one example - and the effect transfers to all similar episodes.

Some people simple have very poor memories.

I remember most of my childhood with a high level of detail going back to 4 years old, and a sprinkling of moments before that. But my sister has almost no memories except for some of her friendships with neighbours and at school - almost nothing within the family. She has made up a story - that she adored our father and had a great relationship with him. In reality, he couldn't stand her disobedience, tantrums, and lack of intelligence. Mum repeatedly begged him to show love and he repeatedly refused on the grounds that "kids can see through pretense." He resented Mum for conceiving her without discussing it with him first. He continuously either ignored or shouted at her. With tragic results for her adult relationships with men.

My husband has ADHD and has virtually no memories of his childhood, except for a few foods and playing ball. He has also forgotten more than 3/4 of the time we've shared together over the last 39 years - though if I remind him of specific events, he can recall vague fragments.

I believe that, as well as our emotions, the physical/neurological functionality of individual brains makes a huge difference to memory.

Lovelylife · 31-35, F

@hartfire the two years she was in my life we both had acute traumas from our family. She said she’s blocked out anything from when she lived with her mom and only remembers the day she moved. She’s getting some pieces of scattered memories.

hartfire · 61-69

@Lovelylife Most adults have better resilience when it comes to recalling traumas that are far too much for a small child to cope with.
It's great that a few of her memories are surfacing. Each is a step towards greater self-understanding and personal growth.

I can see how it would be sad for you not to be able to share those lovely memories with her. But who knows, perhaps in time they might return.

As people enter old age (60ish and onwards,) they often begin to remember far more of their childhoods.