Lonely with "friends"

There's something I've been struggling with lately. And the thing is that as a human I feel like I am created to need others, to be social, to have a small group of people I can relate to and feed off from their energy and have that go both ways. Because we found our thousands of years ago that together we as a species are better, it made it easier to hunt, protect ourselves from predators and share knowledge, that's how we created little communities. Now there's this idea of how you have to be independent and self-sufficient, "be all you need" both socially and financially. So I find myself in an "in between" both of those things, I wanna be self-sufficient in every way possible, I have learned not everyone have the best intentions in mind and that makes me doubt everyone that comes into my life and when that relationship goes south I blame myself and think "I saw this coming and fell for it anyway" but I also want a social group, a small social group o 3 maybe 4 people I can genuinely say "I can count on them no matter what" the truth is that tho I... Have some "friends" we don't talk that much, the only reason I call them friends is because of a lack of better word to describe my relationship with these people. Afraid of looking stupid, constantly finding out I was left out of events they all have sweet memories of and talks about when we get togwther like 5 times a year, afraid of being hurt, afraid of being the "pesty lonely" guy if I talk to them too much or answer their text too quickly o depend on them too much. There are times when I have like 3 people texting me at the same time, but my relationship with them is based mostly on that; texts. Rare ever getogether with them, and then there are time when I feel really lonely and could really use a friend, but even then I don't go to them because first of all no one is ever there when you need them to be, and second "afraid of being the pesty lonely guy" who won't stop texting them.