Carbs and memories
Just treated myself to a cheese bagel. Extra sharp white cheddar, to the extent that matters. Technically it's a toasted bagel with cheese, but you called it a cheese bagel, so that's how my brain decided to classify it.
I haven't had a bagel since the last time I was at your place, and now I'm convinced that I can't ever eat one again without thinking of you. I doubt I'll ever be okay with the way things ended, but they did, and the best either of us can do from here on out is learn from it.
Sometimes I feel like our relationship was doomed from the beginning. I can't really think of all that much we had in common. We never came close to understanding each other, and I don't think you ever actually tried to understand me. All the same, we were two lost souls that found solace in being lost together. The pain we were forced to carry around with us suddenly became more bearable when we realized we weren't the only ones deformed by childhood trauma.
It's because of you that I can see the beauty of pain. Emotional pain, at least. People always wax poetic about love and romance, but they can't hold a candle to the light that is shed by another person's psychological suffering. You no longer see an idealized version of them, or some archetype of a person you thought you figured out; you only see a human.
Whether it's the stories we tell ourselves to make sense of things, the perceptions our ego created for our benefit, or the fears invented to protect ourselves; it all melts away when the part of us in tune with our humanity can detect the humanity of another. We've always been such fragile creatures, and it's only our connections that give us strength.
I'm fairly certain I have a stalker on here. Possibly more, but at least one. Whenever I notice the view counts jump on my stories, I always wonder if it's you.
I've been reluctant to post anything since our falling out because letting go and moving on seemed like the best way to heal from it. There didn't seem to be a future between us, so it was probably for the best to live and let live. No use trying to force things. But guilt is such a nagging parasite one can't simply walk away from. I really am sorry that I couldn't be the person you needed.
If you do ever read this, all I really want to say is that I miss you and I hope you find happiness in your life someday, if you haven't already. I pray that you're working on yourself, to grow and to learn in the ways you need so that you can reach your dreams. Or at least one of them.
True to my word, I've been diving deep into my flaws and taking steps to be a better person. I've actually managed to make some connections at work and with my neighbors recently. And after all these years, people have finally started engaging with my posts. So if you ever feel hopeless, just know that progress is possible.
Hope you're taking care of yourself, and that you find people to care for so you can take care of each other. If that's not what all this pain and suffering is for, then there's really no point to it as far as I can tell. Either way, good luck out there. Sometimes it's a struggle to find an application for our gifts, or to even recognize that we have gifts, but you are gifted, and I hope the world gets to see that in the ways you wished I could.
I haven't had a bagel since the last time I was at your place, and now I'm convinced that I can't ever eat one again without thinking of you. I doubt I'll ever be okay with the way things ended, but they did, and the best either of us can do from here on out is learn from it.
Sometimes I feel like our relationship was doomed from the beginning. I can't really think of all that much we had in common. We never came close to understanding each other, and I don't think you ever actually tried to understand me. All the same, we were two lost souls that found solace in being lost together. The pain we were forced to carry around with us suddenly became more bearable when we realized we weren't the only ones deformed by childhood trauma.
It's because of you that I can see the beauty of pain. Emotional pain, at least. People always wax poetic about love and romance, but they can't hold a candle to the light that is shed by another person's psychological suffering. You no longer see an idealized version of them, or some archetype of a person you thought you figured out; you only see a human.
Whether it's the stories we tell ourselves to make sense of things, the perceptions our ego created for our benefit, or the fears invented to protect ourselves; it all melts away when the part of us in tune with our humanity can detect the humanity of another. We've always been such fragile creatures, and it's only our connections that give us strength.
I'm fairly certain I have a stalker on here. Possibly more, but at least one. Whenever I notice the view counts jump on my stories, I always wonder if it's you.
I've been reluctant to post anything since our falling out because letting go and moving on seemed like the best way to heal from it. There didn't seem to be a future between us, so it was probably for the best to live and let live. No use trying to force things. But guilt is such a nagging parasite one can't simply walk away from. I really am sorry that I couldn't be the person you needed.
If you do ever read this, all I really want to say is that I miss you and I hope you find happiness in your life someday, if you haven't already. I pray that you're working on yourself, to grow and to learn in the ways you need so that you can reach your dreams. Or at least one of them.
True to my word, I've been diving deep into my flaws and taking steps to be a better person. I've actually managed to make some connections at work and with my neighbors recently. And after all these years, people have finally started engaging with my posts. So if you ever feel hopeless, just know that progress is possible.
Hope you're taking care of yourself, and that you find people to care for so you can take care of each other. If that's not what all this pain and suffering is for, then there's really no point to it as far as I can tell. Either way, good luck out there. Sometimes it's a struggle to find an application for our gifts, or to even recognize that we have gifts, but you are gifted, and I hope the world gets to see that in the ways you wished I could.
31-35, M