How did pregnancy affect you?

When I found out I was pregnant the first time at 19, I was confused. I was a very bad person back then. I remember being with a friend and seeing a charity poster of a sick child, a very young sick child. I think they were around two years old. I drunkenly said to my friend: “look, why are they bothering...the child is going to die anyway...” I wish I could go back in time and stab myself for saying that. When I had my son in hospital, I was losing my mother to cancer that she had only been diagnosed with a month prior to me giving birth. It was terminal, and the deterioration was very very rapid. It was not slow, there was no hope, it was happening too quickly. My dad had died suddenly during this period. His heart stopped. He was 66, and my mother had only turned 50 in the month I gave birth. I was depressed and midwives reported me for not bonding with my son. They said I was ignoring him and not doing things with him. When I bathed my son for first time, I was worried about him being cold. I kept him close to me and watched him to see if he would be sick in the night. I was still not trusted, no one ever trusted me except my parents and my grandmother.

I had two more children since then.

In my pregnancies, I never had any physical issues! This is fine! I am fit and healthy. I am even more normal mentally when pregnant and when I have a baby. It seems to subdue the bad in me. I had a few drinks in my first pregnancy toward the end, when my mom was dying. It was no more than five, and I felt bad. I didn't get drunk. Both my parents drank too much, and they smoked. They were good people, but they drank every day and it was a lot. In my second and third pregnancies, I did not drink at any point after finding out. I felt so much better about life. I want to have ten children.