just venting

I have been going through a lot . For months i was without medical insurance and the gas in my building just recently went out . I haven't been stable minded, my son is non verbal and autistic. i been waiting to apply for services and now I finally can. I have been so frustrated with this situation and i have lashed out. I am getting A bit better because i donate my plasma twice a week so now i can TRY to take care of myself. I am waiting for social security too and i have been waiting since august to get an appointment to see if my son can start receiving benefits. Its been hard as a single mom, especially to a specials needs child. I have sacrificed time that i could use to work , to stay home and make sure my son gets help. he doesn't talk but understands some things, i am still trying because ill be honest here, my mental health has worsened . i get angry faster, i smoke more because i fall into this daze of rage, i can feel my body getting lighter but rage is what i feel. This is behind the abuse i experienced with my sons dad . its gotten to this point that people can see it on my face. I am sick to my stomach because i desire to find a way out of this muck. I am so lost. Today is my sons birthday and i was a bit sad i couldnt get him a cake but i will friday. Ill admit im not the best mom but i still try.

I sometimes wish i had some help and i dont know why i thought things would be easy,