On Stoicism and Transparency
For the last seven months, I have known that my son is gay. I stumbled upon the revelation on accident, and my son has no idea; I fear, too, that he does not want me to know. I fear that my son is living fearfully in his own home, afraid of his family and community alike.
From the outsider's perspective, my family is a conservative one. We live close to the buckle of the Bible belt, and I know that, should my son ever come out, there is little room for free expression [i]without[i] pressure and critique from others. But how that same fear could be projected onto myself and his older sister (who is much more liberal leaning than either one of us) is a bit out of reach for me to understand.
Self-isolation is different from complete exclusion, I know, but I fear too that it is more damaging. Playing a role that he will soon grow tired of, my son may eventually become resentful, worst of all of himself. In fact, I know this is the case, as years ago in middle school I tried to correct him anytime he shared a homophobic comment; I was so focused on building empathy for "the other" that I fear I made too much distance in reasoning between himself (or myself for that matter) and the target of his homophobic gestures or comments. I've tried very hard to build bridges between that distance, mostly little gestures, but I've been almost hyper-aware. My resolve, though, is breaking, as my son becomes more and more short with me.
Kindly Similar Worlds users out there, will you share your thoughts? Is my son trying to be Stoic? Is it unfair that he cannot be wholly transparent? Is this a dangerous situation for him? Is this the "normal" conflict with a gay teenager who has yet to come out? The online spirit of advocacy and awareness is so prevalent, and I'm trying so hard to be accomodating, but I truly do not know what I'm doing.
From the outsider's perspective, my family is a conservative one. We live close to the buckle of the Bible belt, and I know that, should my son ever come out, there is little room for free expression [i]without[i] pressure and critique from others. But how that same fear could be projected onto myself and his older sister (who is much more liberal leaning than either one of us) is a bit out of reach for me to understand.
Self-isolation is different from complete exclusion, I know, but I fear too that it is more damaging. Playing a role that he will soon grow tired of, my son may eventually become resentful, worst of all of himself. In fact, I know this is the case, as years ago in middle school I tried to correct him anytime he shared a homophobic comment; I was so focused on building empathy for "the other" that I fear I made too much distance in reasoning between himself (or myself for that matter) and the target of his homophobic gestures or comments. I've tried very hard to build bridges between that distance, mostly little gestures, but I've been almost hyper-aware. My resolve, though, is breaking, as my son becomes more and more short with me.
Kindly Similar Worlds users out there, will you share your thoughts? Is my son trying to be Stoic? Is it unfair that he cannot be wholly transparent? Is this a dangerous situation for him? Is this the "normal" conflict with a gay teenager who has yet to come out? The online spirit of advocacy and awareness is so prevalent, and I'm trying so hard to be accomodating, but I truly do not know what I'm doing.
