I will never be what you want me to be
I usually never get mad at anyone, it's hard to get me to be mad, but I guess some people see that as a challenge and go for it anyway. I would rather ignore someone than to be mad at them for something they did, that because first of all it's less stressful and second I know myself, and when I do get mad it's hard for me forgive. Even if I do somehow move pass it I will never forget what you did and how it affected me, my relationship with you will never be the same. My mother was so desperate to get something, anything out of me she didn't care hurting me in the process. That day she drew a line in our relationship, I can never go back and see her the way I use to.
The other day my older sister talked to me trying to fix things by saying "Mommy is hurt, she is sad, she feels like she let you down, and she often say Kevin(my little brother) thinks you don't love him"
At the time I belived it and thought about what she said, but the fight we had months ago changed things for ever, I can never forgive her for the things she said to me that day, it doesn't even depend on if I want to or not, I can't forget it, she took things too far that's that. I know her enough to know she could have lied about her feelings and my little brother's feelings to try and manipulate my older sister into getting me to talk to her again. Like when she lied about her ex beating her. She stepped on one of my brother's toy, fell and got a black eye, but lied to the judge and said her husband at the time gave her that. He wasn't perfect, far from it, he was a shit bag but he never hit her and lieing about that wasn't the right way of doing things. My older sister also talked about how our mother has been through so much like being so lonely she wanted to kill herself, growing up I was always left alone. Mommy was always out working and my older sister spent 90% of her time out with friends, the other 10% she was at home she would ignore me, would always say no to anything I ask her to do with me, and would constantly fight me. When I left my country I felt like in a day I had lost my uncles, anties, cousins and grand parents from both families, and only had my sister and mother, but they were never around eather, and I didn't even understand or know why I was always so sad or hurt. And it hurts in ways I don't think they understand when they'll give me a lot of crap about how my actions are affecting my little brother negatively when they never gave a shit about me growing up. And it also hurt as hell when she would say stuff like "I slaved myself to give you everything you wanted, to make sure you were happy", oh yea you tried I'll give you that, but that doesn't mean I had everything I wanted or asked for, or that I was even happy, and using the fact that you tried as an excuse to deminishe my feelings and needs is just horrible of you to do as a mother. If anything she made me feel like a creep by calling me a freak and saying I embarrassed her. Now she wonders why I don't come running with a smile every times she calls me, or why all of a sudden I am mad at her.
The other day my older sister talked to me trying to fix things by saying "Mommy is hurt, she is sad, she feels like she let you down, and she often say Kevin(my little brother) thinks you don't love him"
At the time I belived it and thought about what she said, but the fight we had months ago changed things for ever, I can never forgive her for the things she said to me that day, it doesn't even depend on if I want to or not, I can't forget it, she took things too far that's that. I know her enough to know she could have lied about her feelings and my little brother's feelings to try and manipulate my older sister into getting me to talk to her again. Like when she lied about her ex beating her. She stepped on one of my brother's toy, fell and got a black eye, but lied to the judge and said her husband at the time gave her that. He wasn't perfect, far from it, he was a shit bag but he never hit her and lieing about that wasn't the right way of doing things. My older sister also talked about how our mother has been through so much like being so lonely she wanted to kill herself, growing up I was always left alone. Mommy was always out working and my older sister spent 90% of her time out with friends, the other 10% she was at home she would ignore me, would always say no to anything I ask her to do with me, and would constantly fight me. When I left my country I felt like in a day I had lost my uncles, anties, cousins and grand parents from both families, and only had my sister and mother, but they were never around eather, and I didn't even understand or know why I was always so sad or hurt. And it hurts in ways I don't think they understand when they'll give me a lot of crap about how my actions are affecting my little brother negatively when they never gave a shit about me growing up. And it also hurt as hell when she would say stuff like "I slaved myself to give you everything you wanted, to make sure you were happy", oh yea you tried I'll give you that, but that doesn't mean I had everything I wanted or asked for, or that I was even happy, and using the fact that you tried as an excuse to deminishe my feelings and needs is just horrible of you to do as a mother. If anything she made me feel like a creep by calling me a freak and saying I embarrassed her. Now she wonders why I don't come running with a smile every times she calls me, or why all of a sudden I am mad at her.
