I want to improve my relationship with my parents

@CountScrofula they both have always had very episodic explosive anger, and I grew up afraid of doing anything wrong that would upset them. But now that I’m older I really want to see if I can fix all of this hurt and fear that they don’t even know about, because I still appreciate them as my parents, but I don’t know how to even begin talking about it.

@Effloresce Oof :( I'm so sorry. Does your sister have the same dynamic with them?

@CountScrofula yeah, and my brother too. But they’re both way better at fighting back and defending themselves during arguments, whereas I usually just get really overwhelmed and end up having all of this resentment build up inside

@Effloresce How do they deal with information they don't like or makes them look bad?

I mean, ANYONE gets defensive, but is ther eany like... ability to take it seriously and think about it?

@CountScrofula usually it involves a lot of yelling and blaming and door slamming, which ends with them later pretending that nothing ever happened and trying to act normal again. I do think they’re a little more open minded these days and would be willing to listen to what I have to say. I just have to get past the fear of talking to them and try not to put their opinion of me and my decisions on such a high pedestal I guess.

@Effloresce Well what about if it's not you? What about bad news in life or work?

Like... okay. What I'm trying to figure out here is if they are rational actors or not. Have you witnessed them accepting difficult information in any other context?

@Effloresce they need to get better at communication. It is normal to not like being screamed at. They have to first understand it is bad thing for their kids and for their own well being

i have anger issues myself. When my siblings do something risky which can trigger my outburst, I isolate myself in my room and try to control it. So i can move to fixing the problems

I'd hate to hurt them. I am sure I am scary, espacially if i am screaming and breaking shit in my room

But at least I always explained to them my reaction isn't their responsibility. It is just something I have to work through alone. You should get your other siblings involved, talk to them first about it before your parents. And see if they can be there for you

@CountScrofula usually anything bad that was happening they would react to it away from us in a closed room with more yelling etc, but they have been calm and collected about things once they’ve had time to dispel their anger and frustration. I feel like I just have to go about this bit by bit and not dump everything on them at once so they get really upset

@Miram thank you for your reply. It does help knowing that my siblings have my back and feel the same way. Now that we’re all older I think it might be easier to try to fix everything

@Effloresce Okay. Well finally... what is your remedy?

like if you were to ask them to do something beyond fundamentally change their personalities (which obviously can't happen) what would you ask from them?

@CountScrofula mostly just to try to listen to things I have to say without jumping to conclusions about things. At this point I think it’s mostly an issue with myself. They’ve shown a few times that they can be listen to me and understand my perspective on things, I’m just unable to escape from the fear of their judgement. Idk mannnn I’m sure I’ll figure it out at some point