Is my mum right or is she just being selfish?

The short story is I've got an 8 year old kid (yes I'm 22 you do the maths) and my parents have raised her since she was born. But we always agreed I'd have her back when I could. Well now I have a good job and a lot of savings and a two bedroom flat not far from my parents house but my mum doesn't want me to take her. She puts off the conversation and constantly says "you can have her when she turns 13". She thinks she's funny but seriously I just want her back now. She's my kid and I've worked hard to get to this point just so I can have her and be her mum but my mum won't even let me tell her I'm her real mum. I don't want to wait until she's older and I think it'd be easier for her to adjust now but my mum disagrees and now I don't know what I should do >_<

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KaysHealingPath · 36-40, F

That's not an easy situation at all.
But what's done is done you can't fix the past and need to find a way to move forward.

You are her Biological mother and your own mother should understand the need to work on the relationship you have with your daughter.

Maybe see about going to family counseling with your mom- just your mom at first - and then bringing your daughter along to therapy when you both establish some ground rules.

The thing is this will be a big shock to your daughter and would bring about too many changes all at once putting her emotional and psychological health at risk.
You don't want to uproot her from the only life she's ever known.

Maybe he first step is both you and your mom talking to her and you establishing some relationship with her- getting to know her as a mom and then consider her moving in with you when things are stable enough for that to happen.

SophW77 · 26-30, F

@KaysHealingPath Thanks :) I'm going to try to make my mum discuss it with me but that will be a challenge of its own

KaysHealingPath · 36-40, F

@SophW77 just remember this is about the child. Not you, or your mom.

Those suggesting you take her to court, remember the courts will not care about either of you. They'll care about your daughter and what's best for her.
And right now that's her stability - psychological and emotional.

I don't think you should uproot her from her life immediately she needs time to adjust.

SophW77 · 26-30, F

@KaysHealingPath I wouldn't just tell her and take her with me I will only take her if she's okay with it even though I desperately want to and I wouldn't ever take my own parents to court.

KaysHealingPath · 36-40, F

@SophW77 i think you're taking the right steps talking to your mom first.
Maybe your dad should take your daughter out for lunch or something - or do this while she's at school.

I feel for you - really I do.

My mom wanted to raise my son, and I refused - she toted that she'd pay for college or she'd let me pursue my military career and she'd take care of my son while I was away.
She couldn't take him away. I provided a stable loving home and supported him myself financially. I was 18 at the time so technically a legal adult in the US. Still a teen but it was hard.

Be prepared for the possibility that your mom might get defensive. Don't take it personally- she won't actually mean it.
Im hoping this all works out for you 🙏🏼

SophW77 · 26-30, F

@KaysHealingPath Thank you so much x I just want to get it done asap. Rather that than wait until she's older and starts wondering why there's a big gap between her and my youngest brother and why she looks a little different

KaysHealingPath · 36-40, F

@SophW77 my oldest was 10 when we discussed my husband not being his biological father. My husband wanted to adopt him but wanted his consent before doing so.
He understood everything clearly.

Also as far as the gap- my sons best friend is 11 and his mom is my moms age. He was a surprise 😳
There's and 18 year gap between him and his sister.

And my husband is 31 his little brother is 19 - do the math lol 😂

SophW77 · 26-30, F

@KaysHealingPath That's great your husband wanted to adopt him :)

Lol 18 years is huge. Same parents or was it a half sibling?

I'm going to ask my mum to meet me tomorrow in my lunch break to discuss it 🤞

KaysHealingPath · 36-40, F

@SophW77 no same parents - the mom had a miscarriage after the daughter (3 years after the daughter) she went on BC for several years I think she said she had an IUD for 10 and BC for 2 and she finally got off the BC because she thought she wouldn't get pregnant at 44 anymore.
But she did.
She's a real nice lady. But she's tired - often.