School called today

So they called me today asking if I wanted them to set up counseling for my daughter.

I said wait I'm confused. She's already in counseling.

No this would be difficult. This would be grief counseling.

I was kinda of shocked.

Well we have not had a death in the family

So wait I'm sorry her mother didn't pass away. That's what she's been telling everyone.

No she just moved to Florida.

I asked them not to say anything to her and I'd talk to her about it tonight.

I'm at a loss. I know she's hurting. But I really don't know what to say to her

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Starcrossed · 41-45, F

I'm not sure you have to say a [i]whole[/i] lot. This would be my plan for that conversation if I were in your shoes...

Perhaps open the conversation with a gentle acknowledgement of what you had heard from school and then tell her you are curious why she is saying that to people when she knows it's untrue.

After she responds to that and l've engaged back I'd steer the conversation to pointing out how confused and surprised people might be if/when they find out the truth, such as the school professional was and that I was curious how she thinks she might feel if she were in their shoes. Would she not, if she were them, meet herself with kindness and compassion having known the truth instead, even though its maybe painful or embarrassing? [I'd presume yes, see if she can get there on her own]

I'd plan on closing the conversation with another acknowledgement of how bad this whole situation with sucks for her and acknowledging her whole host of possible feelings such as hurt, anger, shame, embarrassment, or any desire to avoid and ignore the issue with others [and your hurt and empathy for her unfair burden of big feelings].

I know it's a big heavy conversation and she just a kid, but if I'm right she was a tween, no? I have a feeling she can handle a heavy even uncomfortable conversation if you approach it gently with a lens of curiosity.

Cigarguy101 · 41-45, M

Well her answer was simple and heartbreaking.

She said it was easier to tell her classmates and teachers that her mother died then saying she that she left us and moved to another state and is starting a new family.
Saying her mother died ended the questions but saying she left lead to many questions that made her uncomfortable and upset because she doesn't know why she left

Starcrossed · 41-45, F

@Cigarguy101 I figured it would be something like that. I get it, I could see kid me having done the same. Poor sweet kid.

MarineBob · 56-60, M

Sounds like she wrote her mother out of her life for good

Cigarguy101 · 41-45, M

@MarineBob I think so, I don't blame her either. It's hard to explain to people that your mom just moved away without even saying goodbye or giving a reason. Maybe she needs closure and this helps

Poppies · 61-69, F

It was actually a logical solution to her problem that people were asking questions about a topic that she didn't want to address. And she really shouldn't have to talk about it with outsiders if she doesn't want to.

ArtieKat · M

Sorry to hear that. How old is your daughter?

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NativePortlander1970

@Cigarguy101 My Dad died when I was ten, I know what she's going through, that sudden separation feels unbearable, your daughter will need you more now than ever to show that you're there, I wish my mother had done that for me, instead all she did was denigrate him and allowed her side of the family to villify him as well.

Cigarguy101 · 41-45, M

@ArtieKat yes they do. But we'll get though this together

ArtieKat · M

@Cigarguy101 Good luck!

Lyfis2live

An adult conversation!

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