I'll write something about my dad too, since it is Father's Day and in 2 days it's his birthday too but we're no contact this time around
I don't blame him, as I too am going through this period where I am not really craving his presence into my life.
I felt way too much rejection coming from his side, trying way too hard to gain his approval, attention and love and none of this ever happened, not in any way I can receive it, although I can see how he has been trying, putting in efforts and them never being understood or wanted or received by me. Strangely we have different love languages or something.
I stopped trying to be an overachiever for his satisfaction, as I realized that is not a necessity, that is conditional, that is not the love I am wanting to experience.
He is sad I am the way I am, he doesn't cease to communicate his fears and worries about my lifestyle through intense and clear expressions, gestures and vocabulary.
I know this was supposed to be a gratitude post and a day of gratitude towards fathers.
But I have been trying to excuse him and make the best out . himself for way too long that now I feel the strong need to communicate this. I didn't plan on it when I was writing the title. Actually I thought this was going to the positive side. It isn't, not so far.
I am tired to alchemise his hatred into love, to take the lemons and be making lemonade.
I am tired of him.
He is tired of it all and finally I allow myself to be a mirror, the moment I am thinking most intensely than ever how I am moving beyond mirrors.
Hard tests alleluia .
So yeah, I will collect my last efforts and try hard to write 3 things I really like about him, for real, not effort to be gratitude. What do I really like about him, is there anything at all ?
I don't know, it is difficult, having grown around his immense pressure and depression.
Some say diamonds are made under pressure. Some say I need therapy.
Okay, shall try again, harder.
1. He has a sense of center, despite the chaos, despite he's struggling with his own authority, he still has a strong sense of center. It is hard to move him. I more appreciate this rather than liking it.
2. He is capable of carrying out his word, he's a man of his word. Most of the times he is, impeccable with it. Until he gets drunk, then he isn't.
3. He has great ability to be humorous, even if he doesn't exercise it often, that makes it even more brilliant, because once he does, he surprises everyone who seem convinced by his unshakable seriousness around everything
Alright did my best.
Can I go to sleep just now ?
Thank you SW
💜
I felt way too much rejection coming from his side, trying way too hard to gain his approval, attention and love and none of this ever happened, not in any way I can receive it, although I can see how he has been trying, putting in efforts and them never being understood or wanted or received by me. Strangely we have different love languages or something.
I stopped trying to be an overachiever for his satisfaction, as I realized that is not a necessity, that is conditional, that is not the love I am wanting to experience.
He is sad I am the way I am, he doesn't cease to communicate his fears and worries about my lifestyle through intense and clear expressions, gestures and vocabulary.
I know this was supposed to be a gratitude post and a day of gratitude towards fathers.
But I have been trying to excuse him and make the best out . himself for way too long that now I feel the strong need to communicate this. I didn't plan on it when I was writing the title. Actually I thought this was going to the positive side. It isn't, not so far.
I am tired to alchemise his hatred into love, to take the lemons and be making lemonade.
I am tired of him.
He is tired of it all and finally I allow myself to be a mirror, the moment I am thinking most intensely than ever how I am moving beyond mirrors.
Hard tests alleluia .
So yeah, I will collect my last efforts and try hard to write 3 things I really like about him, for real, not effort to be gratitude. What do I really like about him, is there anything at all ?
I don't know, it is difficult, having grown around his immense pressure and depression.
Some say diamonds are made under pressure. Some say I need therapy.
Okay, shall try again, harder.
1. He has a sense of center, despite the chaos, despite he's struggling with his own authority, he still has a strong sense of center. It is hard to move him. I more appreciate this rather than liking it.
2. He is capable of carrying out his word, he's a man of his word. Most of the times he is, impeccable with it. Until he gets drunk, then he isn't.
3. He has great ability to be humorous, even if he doesn't exercise it often, that makes it even more brilliant, because once he does, he surprises everyone who seem convinced by his unshakable seriousness around everything
Alright did my best.
Can I go to sleep just now ?
Thank you SW
💜
